Monday, September 19, 2011

A Letter from the CEO of Netflix, Reed Hastings (Actually, a Parody. But Whatever)

I messed up. And I owe you an apology.

It is clear from the feedback over the past two months that many members felt we lacked respect and humility in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming and the price changes.  So let me explain why we did those actions.

For money!

No, but seriously, here’s a longer explanation: For more money!

Ok, really.  Many members love our DVD service, as I do. DVD is a great option for those who want the huge and comprehensive selection of movies.

Well, tough. All that’s over, grandpa.  

As we make the transition to streaming, we have been brainstorming how we can make the DVD by mail as horrible as possible. So we raised prices. And a lot of you cancelled your DVD by mail service. That was awesome. But then some people still wanted it.

So then we have a new brainstorm—keep the DVD by mail service, but give it a moronic name. And so, from now on, our mail service will be called Quixter. I know what you’re saying: Who wants to rent from a place called Quixter.  Just saying it makes me feel stupid. We had a bunch of alternate names: Quixtarded, Quixturd, and, of course Aginghipster. But nothing said, “Please don’t use me,” like Quixter. It combines the spectre of doomed sites like Friendster and Napster with the glamour of the local Kwik-i-Mart.

So, friends, looks like you’re stuck with streaming. Our streaming service —or as it’s now known, Netflix—is great, because it offers a wide variety of films, some that were even produced in this decade.

Both the Qwikster and Netflix teams will work hard to regain your trust, and provide you with the high level of service that you expect from your local cable company. And really, what are you going to do? Go to Blockbuster? Good luck! We drove ‘em out of business! Who would have thought people would be nostalgic for those guys?

In closing, I want to apologize again to those members, both current and former, who felt we treated them thoughtlessly.

Let me just say, you aint seen nothing yet.

Reed Hastings
CEO, Netflix

P.S. Sorry if you don’t like these changes. But we can get into that in my next apology letter. 

Friday, February 29, 2008

A Sentence That Is Awe-Inspiring In Its Boredom

From Facebook, of course ...

"(Person) has removed "Under Seige" from his favorite movies."

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

I Write for Monkeys!



Good work, Josh and Tamra!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Best Spam Subject Line Ever

"All Joking Aside, You Do Have a Very Small Penis."

Don't you wish your friends talked to you with that kind of honesty?

(That was funny, but I do think spammers should be shot.)

Monday, July 23, 2007

Summer Funtime Special This Week ...


Well, last year me and some talented folks did a little summer show called "The Summer Funtime Special." We did it twice, and both times it played to an audience of maybe six people. Yes, it truly was a little summer show. Like, kind of pathetically little.

In fact, it was so unpopular, we are going to do it again! Is that a sound business decision or what?!

Why are we bringing it back? Well, first of all it was a fun show; remember, FTC regulations say you cannot put the word "funtime" in a show's title if it doesn't actually give you a "fun time." It even got a good review; Jesterjournal said it had "strong writing and performing." Whoo-hoo! Today jesterjournal; maybe tomorrow, Jest!

Anyway, we should have more than six people in the audience this time*, and, as I said, it's a fun show and we are proud of it. So here are the details:
* - note the crucial word "should"


THE SUMMER FUNTIME SPECIAL

Summer -- time for surf, sun and skin cancer. Join Dan McCoy, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer and Rob Bates in a show that salutes what Time magazine calls "the world's hottest season."

*Thursday – Sunday, July 26, 27, 28 & 29
*8:00pm
(NOTE: We are the FIRST show, so get there at 8)

at the Sage Theater
- 711 7th Ave., second floor (between 47th and 48th)
- Subway: N/R/W to 49th St.

Directed by Jeremy Westphal.
Written by Rob Bates, Dan McCoy and Matt Koff.

Reserve your tickets (for a discount) here!
Part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective!

Also on the bill:

- *The Sealegs McGoo Show* with Jeremiah Murphy
- * Plan B* more sketch humor

Monday, May 28, 2007

New! Sketches from 8 Track

These are the writer's cut versions of two sketches that were written for 8-Track....

INFAMOUS MOMS (written with King Lou)

HOST
Good evening. Welcome to Newstalk. Tonight, “Mothers of the Infamous.” We’ll examine how it impacts the mother-child bond when your child does something that shocks the world. Our first guest is Wanda Kaczynski, mother of Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. Now your son launched a reign of terror which killed three people and wounded a dozen others.
KACZYNSKI
Oh sure. Talk bad about my son.
HOST
Well, your son is a murderer –
KACZYNSKI
All right, yes. He is. But he went to Harvard!
HOST
OK He is a Harvard graduate, but --
KACZYNSKI
"But," he says. Do you know how hard it is to get into Harvard? There was a mother down the street, her son got all A's, he didn't even get into Columbia.
HOST
So you don’t have anything negative to say about your son?
KACZYNSKI
Well, I wish I would I hear from him more. All I have from him is ten years of letters, and the FBI says I shouldn’t open them. Teddy, would it kill you to use the phone? All the other serial killers call their mothers regularly. Jeffrey Dahmer's mom used to hear from her son every day. Was I mortified when I heard that?
HOST
OK Let’s move on to Hamada Bin-Laden. She is the mother of the head of the al Qaeda terrorist network, internationally wanted fugitive Osama bin-Laden. Now, we all know your son --
BIN LADEN
Oh, my little Osama-la. What a darling.
HOST
Well, he is also wanted internationally terrorist.
BIN LADEN
Oh, he just fell in with the wrong crowd! It’s those other guys, not him.
HOST
He’s actually not considered just a follower of al Qaeda, but the group's leader.
BIN LADEN
Leader, shmeader. He's a sweetheart. Wanna see a picture of him with a puppy?
HOST
So you also have nothing bad to say about your son?
BIN LADEN
I wish he'd slow down a bit. I tell him, running around all day in those musty caves, you’ll catch your death of cold! He keeps telling me he has a Fatwa. I say, Fatwa won't help you when you get pneumonia!
HOST
All right. Let's move on. The final guest is Kathy Richards, mother of
heiress Paris Hilton.
BIN LADEN
Hold it. You are Paris Hilton's mother? I hate that bitch.
KACYZNSKI
Me too! Who drives when their license is revoked?
BIN LADEN
She’s the real terrorist! Why does she keep making new seasons of The Simple Life? One was enough! No wonder Nicole Ritchie doesn’t want to do it anymore!
HILTON
Well, Paris has definitely made her mistakes in life, but keep in mind she is still very young --
BIN LADEN
Mistakes!? She’s a spoiled brat! What a horrible mom you must be!
KACZYNSKI
You should be ashamed!
(BIN LADEN and KACZYNKSI stomp off.)
HOST
Okay. Well that is all for this edition for Newstalk. I think we've touched on a lot of topics tonight. But one thing I think we can all agree on: Everyone hates Paris Hilton. Good night.

++++

MILF Sketch

Two dudes in the park are sitting on a park bench.

BRIAN
Yo dude. Check out that chick over there.
CARL
Yeah, I know. She's hot..
BRIAN
Total MILF. Mom I’d like to –
CARL
Oh yeah.
BRIAN
Hey, you know. That gray haired lady who is with her. She's kind of hot too. A total GILF. A grandmother I'd like to –
CARL
Yeah, I agree. I guess, but I’ve never heard of a GLIF.
BRIAN
Why not? If there are MILFs, there has to be GILFs. And you know who is also cute. That sanitation worker? Total SWILF. A sanitation worker I’d like to –
CARL
Ok I get it. You are just making acronymns up now.
BRIAN
Oh my God. And check out that bag lady. Total –
CARL
BLILF?
BRAIN
You think so, too? Yeah. Total Bag Lady I’d Like to --
CARL
Look! I have heard of MILF, I'll buy GILF and maybe SWILF. But I am not buying BLILF.
BRIAN
Oh really? So you hate the homeless.
CARL
No, I don’t think you want to have sex with a bag lady! You just said it because you wanted to say BLILF!! Don’t you see what’s happening? You are letting acronyms run your life!
BRIAN
No, stupid. She’s a Bag Lady I’d Like to Feed. She looks hungry. You think I wanted to fuck that bag lady? Man, are you a sicko. Actually, she’s more of a BLILHOWMPA. Bag Lady I’d Like to Help Out With Meaningful Public Assistance. We have such a tattered social safety net in this country. But hold it. Hold on there buddy. Check out that chick. That girl is a total ELF.
CARL
Elf? What does that stand for?
BRIAN
Nothing. Look. She’s an actual elf.
CARL
She is short.
BRIAN
Short? She’s a PILF. Person I’m Likely to Fall Over. .
CARL
Look I’ve really had it with all these new expressions. How ‘bout we get some pizza?
BRIAN
Pizza. That’s a FILF. A food I’d like to –
CARL
What? You can’t think of an “F” word, can you? Food I’d like to --
BRIAN
Forage.
CARL
Forage? You don’t forage pizza! Damn you and your acronyms!
BRIAN
(FACES THE AUDIENCE)
Oh sure, people may laugh at my acronyms. But I'd like to tell you someone else they laughed at – the person who first came up with MILF.
(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)
Maybe they laughed at him when he first said that magical four letter phrase MILF. It’s too short! It’s weird sounding! It doesn’t include the word “to," and it really should be MILTF. But he persevered. In the end, the only thing we know about him is that he has coined a dirty acronym that will go down in dirty acronym history – and that he had a real boner for other people’s moms. So we salute you, oh anonymous pervert, whoever you are.

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC OVER AND OUT)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Eight Track This Monday!!!!


Okay, well Dan McCoy has the scoop on this, but I just want to chime in that I am also one of the writers for this fine upcoming show, "The 8 Track," which will premiere this Monday, May 21.

Here is the press release:
Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arrange the hottest comedic writers (ed note: That's me!), actors and musicians in New York City's newest hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales ( Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band--integrating words and music seamlessly!
Seamlessly! That's right, folks! No seams!

Now, what's good about this new venture is it's basically a variety show in addition to a sketch show. So there will be A LOT of entertainment. With my old sketch show, if we were having a bad night, you were basically screwed. But here, there is funny music, stand-up, some of that beat-box stuff that the kids are into these days ... chances are you will like SOMETHING, because there are A LOT of talented folks involved. Anyway, it really is the entertainment value of the year -- and quite possibly of the century, because this century is still young.

(I should add that the sketches for the first show, on the theme of "mothers," look pretty damn good.)

So let's all snuggle up into this little hotbed and get real comfy! Here is all the info, shamelessly stolen from Dan's site:


Location: The Green Room 45 Bleecker Street (Previously of "The Culture Project") North side of Bleecker St., between Lafayette & Mott, New York, NY

Closest subway: 6 to Bleecker

Tickets: $12.00 - available at the door or in advance.

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

Next/First Show: MAY 21st, 8pm
The Mother's Day Show

Hosted by:
Carolyn Castiglia

Accompanied by:
Shockwave

Featuring Musical Guests:
Erin and her Cello
Cock Lorge
Soce the Elemental Wizard

Standup Comedy by:
Rick Younger