Another Shmuck with a Blog

A Letter from the CEO of Netflix, Reed Hastings (Actually, a Parody. But Whatever)

2011-09-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

I messed up. And I owe you an apology.

It is clear from the feedback over the past two months that many members felt we lacked respect and humility in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming and the price changes. So let me explain why we did those actions.

For money!

No, but seriously, here’s a longer explanation: For more money!

Ok, really. Many members love our DVD service, as I do. DVD is a great option for those who want the huge and comprehensive selection of movies.

Well, tough. All that’s over, grandpa.

As we make the transition to streaming, we have been brainstorming how we can make the DVD by mail as horrible as possible. So we raised prices. And a lot of you cancelled your DVD by mail service. That was awesome. But then some people still wanted it.

So then we have a new brainstorm—keep the DVD by mail service, but give it a moronic name. And so, from now on, our mail service will be called Quixter. I know what you’re saying: Who wants to rent from a place called Quixter. Just saying it makes me feel stupid. We had a bunch of alternate names: Quixtarded, Quixturd, and, of course Aginghipster. But nothing said, “Please don’t use me,” like Quixter. It combines the spectre of doomed sites like Friendster and Napster with the glamour of the local Kwik-i-Mart.

So, friends, looks like you’re stuck with streaming. Our streaming service —or as it’s now known, Netflix—is great, because it offers a wide variety of films, some that were even produced in this decade.

Both the Qwikster and Netflix teams will work hard to regain your trust, and provide you with the high level of service that you expect from your local cable company. And really, what are you going to do? Go to Blockbuster? Good luck! We drove ‘em out of business! Who would have thought people would be nostalgic for those guys?

In closing, I want to apologize again to those members, both current and former, who felt we treated them thoughtlessly.

Let me just say, you aint seen nothing yet.

Reed Hastings

CEO, Netflix

P.S. Sorry if you don’t like these changes. But we can get into that in my next apology letter.

A Sentence That Is Awe-Inspiring In Its Boredom

2008-02-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

From Facebook, of course ...

"(Person) has removed "Under Seige" from his favorite movies."

I Write for Monkeys!

2008-02-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

Good work, Josh and Tamra!

Best Spam Subject Line Ever

2007-11-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

"All Joking Aside, You Do Have a Very Small Penis."

Don't you wish your friends talked to you with that kind of honesty?

(That was funny, but I do think spammers should be shot.)

Summer Funtime Special This Week ...

2007-07-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

Well, last year me and some talented folks did a little summer show called "The Summer Funtime Special." We did it twice, and both times it played to an audience of maybe six people. Yes, it truly was a little summer show. Like, kind of pathetically little.

In fact, it was so unpopular, we are going to do it again! Is that a sound business decision or what?!

Why are we bringing it back? Well, first of all it was a fun show; remember, FTC regulations say you cannot put the word "funtime" in a show's title if it doesn't actually give you a "fun time." It even got a good review; Jesterjournal said it had "strong writing and performing." Whoo-hoo! Today jesterjournal; maybe tomorrow, Jest!

Anyway, we should have more than six people in the audience this time*, and, as I said, it's a fun show and we are proud of it. So here are the details:
* - note the crucial word "should"

THE SUMMER FUNTIME SPECIAL

Summer -- time for surf, sun and skin cancer. Join Dan McCoy, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer and Rob Bates in a show that salutes what Time magazine calls "the world's hottest season."

*Thursday – Sunday, July 26, 27, 28 & 29
*8:00pm
(NOTE: We are the FIRST show, so get there at 8)

at the Sage Theater
- 711 7th Ave., second floor (between 47th and 48th)
- Subway: N/R/W to 49th St.

Directed by Jeremy Westphal.
Written by Rob Bates, Dan McCoy and Matt Koff.

Reserve your tickets (for a discount) here!
Part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective!

Also on the bill:

- *The Sealegs McGoo Show* with Jeremiah Murphy
- * Plan B* more sketch humor

New! Sketches from 8 Track

2007-05-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

These are the writer's cut versions of two sketches that were written for 8-Track....

INFAMOUS MOMS (written with King Lou)

HOST
Good evening. Welcome to Newstalk. Tonight, “Mothers of the Infamous.” We’ll examine how it impacts the mother-child bond when your child does something that shocks the world. Our first guest is Wanda Kaczynski, mother of Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. Now your son launched a reign of terror which killed three people and wounded a dozen others.
KACZYNSKI
Oh sure. Talk bad about my son.
HOST
Well, your son is a murderer –
KACZYNSKI
All right, yes. He is. But he went to Harvard!
HOST
OK He is a Harvard graduate, but --
KACZYNSKI
"But," he says. Do you know how hard it is to get into Harvard? There was a mother down the street, her son got all A's, he didn't even get into Columbia.
HOST
So you don’t have anything negative to say about your son?
KACZYNSKI
Well, I wish I would I hear from him more. All I have from him is ten years of letters, and the FBI says I shouldn’t open them. Teddy, would it kill you to use the phone? All the other serial killers call their mothers regularly. Jeffrey Dahmer's mom used to hear from her son every day. Was I mortified when I heard that?
HOST
OK Let’s move on to Hamada Bin-Laden. She is the mother of the head of the al Qaeda terrorist network, internationally wanted fugitive Osama bin-Laden. Now, we all know your son --
BIN LADEN
Oh, my little Osama-la. What a darling.
HOST
Well, he is also wanted internationally terrorist.
BIN LADEN
Oh, he just fell in with the wrong crowd! It’s those other guys, not him.
HOST
He’s actually not considered just a follower of al Qaeda, but the group's leader.
BIN LADEN
Leader, shmeader. He's a sweetheart. Wanna see a picture of him with a puppy?
HOST
So you also have nothing bad to say about your son?
BIN LADEN
I wish he'd slow down a bit. I tell him, running around all day in those musty caves, you’ll catch your death of cold! He keeps telling me he has a Fatwa. I say, Fatwa won't help you when you get pneumonia!
HOST
All right. Let's move on. The final guest is Kathy Richards, mother of
heiress Paris Hilton.
BIN LADEN
Hold it. You are Paris Hilton's mother? I hate that bitch.
KACYZNSKI
Me too! Who drives when their license is revoked?
BIN LADEN
She’s the real terrorist! Why does she keep making new seasons of The Simple Life? One was enough! No wonder Nicole Ritchie doesn’t want to do it anymore!
HILTON
Well, Paris has definitely made her mistakes in life, but keep in mind she is still very young --
BIN LADEN
Mistakes!? She’s a spoiled brat! What a horrible mom you must be!
KACZYNSKI
You should be ashamed!
(BIN LADEN and KACZYNKSI stomp off.)
HOST
Okay. Well that is all for this edition for Newstalk. I think we've touched on a lot of topics tonight. But one thing I think we can all agree on: Everyone hates Paris Hilton. Good night.

++++

MILF Sketch

Two dudes in the park are sitting on a park bench.

BRIAN
Yo dude. Check out that chick over there.
CARL
Yeah, I know. She's hot..
BRIAN
Total MILF. Mom I’d like to –
CARL
Oh yeah.
BRIAN
Hey, you know. That gray haired lady who is with her. She's kind of hot too. A total GILF. A grandmother I'd like to –
CARL
Yeah, I agree. I guess, but I’ve never heard of a GLIF.
BRIAN
Why not? If there are MILFs, there has to be GILFs. And you know who is also cute. That sanitation worker? Total SWILF. A sanitation worker I’d like to –
CARL
Ok I get it. You are just making acronymns up now.
BRIAN
Oh my God. And check out that bag lady. Total –
CARL
BLILF?
BRAIN
You think so, too? Yeah. Total Bag Lady I’d Like to --
CARL
Look! I have heard of MILF, I'll buy GILF and maybe SWILF. But I am not buying BLILF.
BRIAN
Oh really? So you hate the homeless.
CARL
No, I don’t think you want to have sex with a bag lady! You just said it because you wanted to say BLILF!! Don’t you see what’s happening? You are letting acronyms run your life!
BRIAN
No, stupid. She’s a Bag Lady I’d Like to Feed. She looks hungry. You think I wanted to fuck that bag lady? Man, are you a sicko. Actually, she’s more of a BLILHOWMPA. Bag Lady I’d Like to Help Out With Meaningful Public Assistance. We have such a tattered social safety net in this country. But hold it. Hold on there buddy. Check out that chick. That girl is a total ELF.
CARL
Elf? What does that stand for?
BRIAN
Nothing. Look. She’s an actual elf.
CARL
She is short.
BRIAN
Short? She’s a PILF. Person I’m Likely to Fall Over. .
CARL
Look I’ve really had it with all these new expressions. How ‘bout we get some pizza?
BRIAN
Pizza. That’s a FILF. A food I’d like to –
CARL
What? You can’t think of an “F” word, can you? Food I’d like to --
BRIAN
Forage.
CARL
Forage? You don’t forage pizza! Damn you and your acronyms!
BRIAN
(FACES THE AUDIENCE)
Oh sure, people may laugh at my acronyms. But I'd like to tell you someone else they laughed at – the person who first came up with MILF.
(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)
Maybe they laughed at him when he first said that magical four letter phrase MILF. It’s too short! It’s weird sounding! It doesn’t include the word “to," and it really should be MILTF. But he persevered. In the end, the only thing we know about him is that he has coined a dirty acronym that will go down in dirty acronym history – and that he had a real boner for other people’s moms. So we salute you, oh anonymous pervert, whoever you are.

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC OVER AND OUT)

Eight Track This Monday!!!!

2007-05-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, well Dan McCoy has the scoop on this, but I just want to chime in that I am also one of the writers for this fine upcoming show, "The 8 Track," which will premiere this Monday, May 21.

Here is the press release:

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arrange the hottest comedic writers (ed note: That's me!), actors and musicians in New York City's newest hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales ( Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band--integrating words and music seamlessly!

Seamlessly! That's right, folks! No seams!

Now, what's good about this new venture is it's basically a variety show in addition to a sketch show. So there will be A LOT of entertainment. With my old sketch show, if we were having a bad night, you were basically screwed. But here, there is funny music, stand-up, some of that beat-box stuff that the kids are into these days ... chances are you will like SOMETHING, because there are A LOT of talented folks involved. Anyway, it really is the entertainment value of the year -- and quite possibly of the century, because this century is still young.

(I should add that the sketches for the first show, on the theme of "mothers," look pretty damn good.)

So let's all snuggle up into this little hotbed and get real comfy! Here is all the info, shamelessly stolen from Dan's site:

Location: The Green Room 45 Bleecker Street (Previously of "The Culture Project") North side of Bleecker St., between Lafayette & Mott, New York, NY

Closest subway: 6 to Bleecker

Tickets: $12.00 - available at the door or in advance.

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

Next/First Show: MAY 21st, 8pm
The Mother's Day Show

Hosted by:
Carolyn Castiglia

Accompanied by:
Shockwave

Featuring Musical Guests:
Erin and her Cello
Cock Lorge
Soce the Elemental Wizard

Standup Comedy by:
Rick Younger

My First Piece of Comedic Hate Mail

2007-03-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have officially GONE TOO FAR.

As most of you know -- since I probably know just about everyone who reads this damn thing -- I occasionally contribute jokes to New York Newsday's Punchlines column ... my
latest effort went as follows: "Sylvester Stallone has been charged in Australia with illegally importing performance-enhancing drugs. Unfortunately, he didn't take the drugs in time for his latest Rocky movie."

Ho-ho-ho, you say! Funny stuff! (Even if you are not saying that, just go with me here.) Well, one person out there isn't laughing. In fact, my joke burned his britches. He wrote Ken Rasak, who coordinates the column, the following ...

"Of all the problem in this dam world. Now someone want to mouth off and belittle on Stallone. Yo Rob Bates go get your self a life !!!!!! Of all these years, Sly Stallone had been a good person and kept to himself. Now with one little mistake. Your ready to smack him up. Why won't you get in the ring with Rocky, and let he smack u around. Away to go sly !!!! Rocky still the best!!!!"

Well, hard to argue with that, isn't it? A couple of, um, thoughts:

- The gentleman who wrote this note sent it in via a T-Mobile Blackberry. I have friends who can spell who don't have T-Mobile Blackberries!

- Isn't it weird that no ones writes in about my jokes about Bush and the Iraq War, which involves, you know, people dying.

- Of course, I couldn't go a round with Stallone. HE TAKES STEROIDS.

Valentine's Day Sketch Show, Now on Youtube!

2007-02-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

From our final and best show:

Intro:
"Films are more romantic when you read them" - Laura Buchholz.

Here's your Love Boat ...

Theodore Robinson Davis, Part One (great sketch by Laura!)

The Florist (By Moi)

Overeager First Date Guy (Again by Moi) poor Stacy!

Theodore Robinson Davis, Part Two "Kevan with an A"

The Gondola! (only from the mind of Matt Koff)

UPDATE: I should give a shout out to Manhattan Comedy Collective who put on the show, and mention its name is "Tenderly Devoted Heartsongs for the Lovelorn Journeyman." Also, thanks to Dan and Josh for the links.

Calling All Lovers: Sketch Show This Week!

2007-02-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Love. Exciting and new.

Who don't yearn to feel the tender blush of initial attraction, the joy of mutual connection, the thrill of your first restraining order?

Now, Manhattan Comedy Collective is celebrating Valentine's Day and the miracle of love with:

TENDERLY DEVOTED HEARTSONGS FOR THE LOVELORN JOURNEYMAN:
A VERY SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY SHOW

Come and discover:

- What embarrassing moments from my own personal life are being turned into comic fodder
- Members of the cast's romantic fantasies
- Who I have to make out with -- the answer may shock and horrify you (because it sure does me!)

Don't miss the show that takes the romance out of romance: "Tenderly Devoted Heartsongs for the Lovelorn Journeyman!"

From the MC2 Sketch Players, the people behind "Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular" and "Rick Murphy is an A--hole"...

Performed by Laura Buchholz, Stacy Mayer, Rick Murphy, Lindsay Joy, Matt Koff and Rob Bates.
Written by Rob Bates, Laura Buchholz and Matt Koff.
Directed by Jeremy Westphal

DETAILS:

February 8 (Thurs), Feb 9 (Fri) and Feb 10 (Sat)
THE SAGE THEATER
711 7th Avenue (between 47th and 48th)

The night of comedy starts at 8 PM
( NOTE: We'll probably go on at like 9 ... other things before us include a short play, funny videos and a one-woman show by Christina Casa of Saturday NIght Rewritten fame. Should be good!)

Heartsongs!

2007-01-17T22:06:00.000-08:00

Coming in February ...

I bet you guys had kind of given up on me, hadn't you?

Zombira Rises This Thursday!!!!

2006-10-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

For all those of you who have said over the years, "Rob, you remind me of the devil's spawn," you'll get a chance to see me portray that and many other fine characters in ...

ZOMBIRA'S SCARETACULOUS HALLOWEEN HORRORTACULAR

An all-new sketch show
* in ghoul-a-vision*

Featuring:
- our hostess, the fabulous Zombira – mistress of low puns and even lower-cut outfits.
- FREE Halloween candy.
- A CHANCE TO BUY BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!

All this, plus an incredibly difficult to pronounce title!

It'll be so funny ... it's scary! Or so scary ... it's funny! One of those.

FIRST SHOW THIS THURSDAY!!!!

Part of a full night of shows at the Manhattan Comedy Collective starting at 8 PM (we're on around 8:30-ish)

THURSDAY, October 19
FRIDAY October 20
THURSDAY October 26
FRIDAY October 27

AT THE SAGE THEATER:
711 7th AVENUE, 2nd Floor (between 47th and 48th Streets)
Conveniently located between two skeezy souvenier shops!
$10

Be there ... Or you'll get the apple with the razor in it!

PS The first night's a preview, so it's pay-what-you-can. Which means you can pay nothing! Get a whole night's entertainment and stiff a struggling non-profit at the same time!

PPS I'm not just in this show, I am one of the ghooooooooost writers. All right. Enough.

Books are Fun for Everyone!

2006-10-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder there are two books coming out that would make fantastic stocking stuffers. And that doesn't have to be Christmas stockings. It can be any stocking you choose.

First, Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeneys Book of Lists , which features a list by me on page like 27 or so. It also has lists by other people, but really, that's not important, is it? ... Anyway, the book is funny and it's only ten bucks.

Secondly, this book by very own sister, "Toying with Creativity," is coming out very soon ... I'm sure the book is really great (I'm still waiting for my hand-delivered autographed copy), and it has a lot of cool pictures in it. It is only $20 or so on Amazon, so there is no reason not to get it, unless you are an evil sick person who doesn't believe in buying books by people's sisters. Congratulations, Mich! (My sister didn't respond the first time I wrote about it on this blog but maybe she will this time. )

Zombira Premieres!

2006-09-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Check out the corrected dates below ...
UPDATE: Check out the re-corrected dates ...
UPDATE: Check out the re-re-corrected dates ... We are on the ball!!!

The logo from the upcoming Halloween sketch show has just been created, and it looks great. Behold, from the multi-talented Dan McCoy, the poster for "Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular"!

SHOW DETAILS:

"Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular"
October 19, 20, 26 and 27
8PM

The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St
In the heart of heartless Times Square!

PS OK. Dan did a great job on the poster, but he misspelled "Scaretaculous." Granted it's a made up word anyway, and there is nothing in the English language that actually ends "taculous." But still, don't mention the missing "e" to Dan. He already knows and he's very sensitive about it.

In honor of that missing "e," I present this video, written and sung by the great Tom Lehrer:

Cue the Scary Music ...

2006-09-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Oooo -- wee --- ooo .....

"How Did They Make It Through the Hair Metal Detector"

2006-08-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

... Sadly the above line didn't make it, but a "Snakes on a Plane" parody I wrote with Erik Marcisak has just been posted online. Check it out ...

By the way, has it really been a month since my last post? Damn. I suck.

Anniversary

2006-07-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well this blog turned one year old -- well, a couple of weeks ago --- and I think it's time for reflect.

I recently looked back at my first post, or as I like to call it, my manifesto. In it, I wrote my goal in starting this blog was to post "some original humor stuff as well as plug myself incessantantly." And I think it's safe to say that I've done just that, if you don't count the part about the original humor stuff. In that original post, I also give a shout out to "all five of you reading this." And I think those words are just as true today as they were then.

So thank you, all five of you reading this! Thanks to you, I truly am "Another Shmuck with a Blog."

NOTE: And don't forget I'm playing Dylan with Janis Joplin this Saturday. I posted my own fave Dylan cover earlier this week, but I also have this Dylan cover contest! The first person who writes in the name of the Dylan song Janis covered* gets into the show this Saturday FREE (meaning I'll pay you back after.) Is that exciting, or what?

* - by the way, there is only one that I know of, but for all I know, there may be another. If you can tell me one, I'm perfectly cool with you also winning the contest, particularly if you send me an MP3.

July 22 ... it's Bob and Janis!

2006-07-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

OK, we are nearing the end of my 4 by 4 hosting duties ... As I'm playing Bob Dylan this weekend, with Christina Casa as Janis Joplin, I should probably get you in kind of a Bob Dylan mood. Now there have been many great covers of Dylan, but I have always felt this is one of the most sensitive and affecting interpretations of his work. (Click link to download.) Let me know if you agree.

THE DETAILS:

4 BY 4
Hosted by Bob Dylan and Janis Joplin!

TIME: Saturday July 22
8:30 PM

PLACE: Gotham City Improv
At its spanking new location: 48 W. 21st (btw 5th & 6th Ave), 8th Floor

"4 by 4 is an ongoing play series at Gotham City Improv that changes every month. See 4 plays by 4 writers in 1 hour. It's fast, it's fun, it's $2.50 per play! Come get your New York theater fix here!"

Just a Reminder

2006-07-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

I will be appearing with a special lady 8:30 tonight at 4 by 4 @ 48 W. 21st (btw 5th & 6th Ave), 8th Floor. More details here ....

(And yes, that is a real pic ...)

Change in Plans

2006-07-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

Just letting y'all know that there is a change in plans ... I will not be performing on the 29th at 4 by 4 ... The long-awaited* Rob Bates - Rick Murphy reunion will just have to wait another day ...

However, the Dr. Phil - Dr. Ruth show this Saturday and the Bob Dylan-Janis Joplin fest on the 22th are still on, baby! Details here ...

I should also note that Jester Journal did a nice review of "The Summer Funtime Special" ... saying it had "sharp writing and performing." It also had a guy eating suncreen, but Jester was nice enough to omit that.

* it's not really long-awaited

July 15 ... It's Phil and Ruth

2006-07-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

On July 15 those two esteemed deliverers of televised sound-bite wisdom, Dr. Phil (played by me) and Dr. Ruth (played by the famed Stacy Mayer), will be hosts of 4 by 4 ...

By the way, for all those who think that Dr. Ruth is just a joke, read this really interesting biography here. She was a sniper! Dr. Phil, however, is just a joke.

THE DETAILS:

4 BY 4
Hosted by Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth!

TIME: Saturday July 15
8:30 PM

PLACE: Gotham City Improv
At its spanking new location: 48 W. 21st (btw 5th & 6th Ave), 8th Floor

"4 by 4 is an ongoing play series at Gotham City Improv that changes every month. See 4 plays by 4 writers in 1 hour. It's fast, it's fun, it's $2.50 per play! Come get your New York theater fix here!"

July 8 ... it' s Dick and Mary ...

2006-07-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Wow ... Look at the punims on these two ... I'm sure you find them as hard to resist as I do.

Well, tomorrow, there is a chance to see me play Dick Cheney, who I am sorry to say is our vice president, along with his openly Republican daughter, Mary, (played by Katie Northlich), as the hosts of the estemeed playwriting series, 4 by 4 ...

THE DETAILS:

4 BY 4
Hosted by Dick and Mary Cheney!!!!

TIME: Saturday July 8
8:30 PM

PLACE: Gotham City Improv
At its spanking new location: 48 W. 21st (btw 5th & 6th Ave), 8th Floor

"4 by 4 is an ongoing play series at Gotham City Improv that changes every month. See 4 play by 4 writers in 1 hour. It's fast, it's fun, it's $2.50 per play! Come get your New York theater fix here!"

July Performance Details

2006-07-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

- As mentioned before, I will be hosting 4x4 for every remanining Saturday in July.

We kick it off July 8 with Dick Cheney (played by me) and his daughter Mary (yep, the gay one), played by Katie Northlich.

Also planned:

- Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth (played by Stacy Mayer.)
- Bob Dylan and Janis Joplin (played by Christina Casa.)
- Me and Rick Murphy (played by Rick Murphy.)

And what is 4x4, you ask? Well I'll let the creator Jamie Ansley doing the 'splaining ...

"4 by 4 is an ongoing play series at Gotham City Improv that changes every month. See 4 play by 4 writers in 1 hour. It's fast, it's fun, it's $2.50 per play! Come get your New York theater fix here!"

THE DETAILS:

4 BY 4

TIME: Saturday July 8, 15, 22, and 29
8:30 PM

PLACE: Gotham City Improv
At its spanking new location: 48 W. 21st (btw 5th & 6th Ave), 8th Floor

- And speaking of spanking new locations, three skits from last month's Summer Funtime Special will rear their sun-soaked heads again this Wed. July 5 as part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective's Fifth of July Spectacular.

Again, THE DETAILS:

A Very British 4th of July

TIME: July 5th ONLY
8 PM

PLACE: Jimmy's No 43
43 E 7th St. (downstairs)
between 2nd/3rd Ave.

"Join hosts Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins (really these guys) for an evening of sketch comedy and 4th of July related festivities. This may be your only chance to celebrate America's Independence with a pair of award-winning British actors. And isn't that the way George Washington would have wanted it?

Featuring sketch comedy by Freedumb, Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular and The Summer Funtime Special."

Office Humor!

2006-06-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

Being a corporate drone myself, I was pleased to have contributed some jokes to fastcompany's new humor site with its joke section (they even have a Groucho nose!) .... I didn't write everything on there (I can't claim credit for the current "joke of the week"), but see where it says "Latest jokes"? Most of them are mine. (Click here to see random jokes.) Check it out, fellow corporate drones, and enjoy a brief laugh, before you return to your tedious workday.

Fours in July!

2006-06-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

OK there will be quite a few times to see me make a spectacle of myself in public next month...

- I will be the -- believe it or not -- host of Four by Four, a series of four ten minute plays held every Saturdaynight, 8:30 pm at the Gotham City Improv, put together by the lovely and talented Jamie Ansley. There should be some ALL-NEW comic material. My nights will be July 8th, 15th, 22nd and the 29th. We have some pretty cool ideas for this ... I'll keep you posted ...

- I will also be performing/writing as part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective's Fifth of July party. We'll probably do some of the summer sketches from last month.

Again, more details when they become available ...But mark your calendars for either the 5th, 8th, 22nd or 29th of July ... I'm serious, do it!

I will be away ...

2006-05-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

.. for the next week and you shouldn't expect any updates -- unless I get a call out of the blue that someone wants to give me a million bucks to write something. Hey, it's possible. See you soon ....

From the Summer Funtime Special ...

2006-05-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

... the "ice cream man" sketch ...

KID1
Hey it’s the ice cream man!
KID2
All right!
MAN
Hey kids! What can I do for you today?
KID1
Do you have an ice cream sandwich?
MAN
Sure. No problem. One ice cream sandwich. (BEAT) Well, actually, I don’t have exactly an ice cream sandwich, but something better.
KID
What’s that?
MAN
It’s a new thing, a lot of kids are going crazy for it, it’s really great: ice cream sandwich-flavored soup. The same thing as an ice cream sandwich, just as a soup. Now do you want a small or a large?
KID
Neither!
MAN
Really? Most kids absolutely love ice cream sandwich flavored soup, but hey, your loss. Anything else you want?
KID
OK. I’d like a chocolate éclair.
MAN
OK, no problem. One cup of chocolate éclair soup, coming up.
KID
Hold it. That’s soup too?
MAN
Yeah! That’s not a problem, is it?
KID
Of course it is!
MAN
Look, kids, you don’t have to worry, ‘cause this isn’t like regular soup. You don’t even have to blow on it. It’s already lukewarm. Sounds great, huh?
KID
No!
MAN
Well if you don’t want that, I got plenty of other options. You can have (LOOKS AROUND) fudgsicle soup, orange creamsicle soup, and, hey you like bomb pops? I got bomb soup!
KID2
I bet I know what happened. There was something wrong with your freezer, all the ice cream melted and now you’re selling it as soup.
MAN
Hey! My wife didn’t tell you that, did she?
KID 2
No.
MAN
Because if she told you that, I’ll be so mad! (BEAT) Anyway, it’s not true!
KID2
But then how come it says ice cream on your truck?
MAN
That’s a misprint. I sell all kinds of food in this truck.
KID2
OH yeah. What else?
MAN
Uh ... Let me think. (BEAT) I got it. It just so happens that I have an egg salad sandwich right here. (TAKES OUT PAPER BAG, PULLS OUT SANDWICH) Real good. Only three bucks.
KID
Ewww!
MAN
Aw come on, when I was young, nothing hit the spot on a summer day like an egg salad sandwich. We used to say forget the ice cream man, I want the egg salad man. Yeah, kids are crazy for them. They’re great! See! (EATS PART OF SANDWICH)
KID
I’m not gonna have it now!
MAN
Why not?
KID
‘Cause you bit into it!
MAN
Oh yeah. You can have the other half.
KID2
I’ll bet you weren’t planning to sell that. It’s just what your wife packed you for your lunch.
MAN
You sure you haven’t been talking to my wife? Damn that woman!
KID2
No! It’s obvious. You don’t have anything but melted ice cream and a half-eaten egg salad sandwich.
MAN
Not true! I got plenty of other food in this truck.
KID2
Like what?
MAN
A lot of things. Let me look – uh -- (SEARCHES BODY) Oh, look kids, here something really great. Pocket lint.
KID
Ewww!
MAN
Yeah, I bet you didn’t know you could eat pocket lint. Mmm-mmm good. (EATS SOME) Nothing like lint. After egg salad sandwiches and ice cream-flavored soup, nothing’s a better summer treat than pocket lint. Here I got a couple more lint balls. Only twenty cents.
KID
No way.
MAN
Fifteen.
KID
We’re leaving!
(KIDS START TO LEAVE)
MAN
No, come back! I got other stuff.
KID
Like what?
MAN
Uh, socks. (TAKES HIS SOCK OFF)
KID2
You can’t eat a sock.
MAN
Yeah, but you and your little friends can go play some sock-ball! Throw it around a bit! It’ll be fun! (MIMICS THROWING A FOOTBALL.)
KID
You’re the weirdest ice cream man ever!
KID2
Goodbye!
(THE KIDS LEAVE)
MAN GETS HIS PHONE.
MAN
Hey honey. Have you been talking to two kids?

... And Dan put up his excellent air conditioner sketch (seriously, it's really good) here.

Are You Ready for the Summer ....

2006-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

... Funtime Special?

Just a reminder that the Summer Funtime Special, an ALL NEW*, ONE-TIME-ONLY summer-themed sketch show, will be showing its lovely sun-soaked face this Thursday at 10 -- details below ... I am a writer and performer in the show, and best of all, I'm musical director, meaning there will be lots of goofy vintage summer music to be heard.

Speaking of which, in honor of all this, I have posted a RARE MP3 of the song this post is named after (seriously, it took me a while to find it) -- one of the two best cheesy summer songs that includes that rhyme about "teacher's dirty looks." (Tomorrow: Number Two. UPDATE: Here it is.) Truly a classic song from a classic movie, and if you have never heard it -- then damn you for yet again making me feel old!

Here it is again ... (as well as the second one.)

Anyway, the show should be a lot of fun. We just read the scripts last night and they are pretty damn humorous... check it out ...

"The Summer Funtime Special."
May 18
10 PM

The Gene Frankel Underground Theater
24 Bond Street (between Broadway and Lafayette)

part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective

Admission: $5 if you just see our show, $10 if you stay the whole night (which is well worth doing, by the way.)

* except for one sketch.

ONE CORRECTION ON MY PREVIOUS PLUG: The show will feature Jeremiah Murphy, rather than Rick Murphy, who lamed out. And no, they're not related. Also, it's directed by Eric Zuckerman. Do it up, Zuck!

Start the Weekend Off Right ...

2006-05-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

... with some hilarious one-liners!!!

(OK I know I should have posted these last week ...)

Revenge of the Nerds is being remade. In this version, the nerds become grow up, start computer companies and make ten times more money than you.

In September Rosie O'Donnell will take Meredith Viera’s seat on the View. In related news, Meredith Viera’s seat just broke.

When told this week that a jury had decided not to impose the death penalty for his role in the 9-11 attacks, Zacarias Moussaoui left the courtroom saying, “America, you lost. I won” – though “I’m going to solitary confinement for the rest of my life” doesn’t have quite the ring as “I’m going to Disneyland.”

A 33 year-old man in Malaysia married a 104 year-old woman this week. There was one odd moment during the ceremony, when instead of saying, “I Do,” the woman just said, “Suck it, Demi Moore!”

A federal judge has ordered the Secret Service to release all records of GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff's visits to the White House. The records are expected to show that Bush and Abramoff had three business meetings, two social engagements, and one late night booty call.

Tom Cruise told reporters this week it was a "mission impossible" to leave his newborn baby and fiance to go on a publicity tour for his new film. But then he figured, “What the hell. I wasn’t there when she was conceived either.”

A Pakistani national on trial for allegedly plotting to blow up the Herald Square subway station in New York told an informant that he needed to "ask my mom's permission" to plant the bombs. The informant responded, “Funny you don’t look Jewish”

Fox is creating a new reality series called "My Bare Lady," in which porn stars will be cast in a classic stage drama to be performed in London's West End. Not surprisingly, most are hoping for the part of the TV repair guy.

China has opened what it says is the world's tallest Ferris wheel. Sounds great, guys, but most people would still prefer freedom of the press.

And Now By Popular Demand ...

2006-05-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

(not really) ...

Here is, from the Rick Murphy is an Asshole show, "Asshole Hamster" ....

(Kudos to filmmaker James Brown for doing a lot with very little, and of course to the hamster for some brilliant work.)

PS The Rick Murphy show is looking for a home (aka theater.) Someone out there, please find us one!

Summer! Funtime! Special!

2006-05-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, Mr. Dan McCoy has broken the story, but on May 18 at 10 PM The Manhattan Comedy Collective will present a one-time-only sketch show, "The Summer Funtime Special," which I am writing for and performing in. So get ready for plenty of fun, summer, beaches, and sixties music about all of the above, since I am choosing the music.

The show has been put together by Matt Koff, and will feature Matt, Dan, Stacy Mayer, Rick Murphy, and myself -- as well as "special guests and other surprises."

(Among those suprises: Which cast members will appear in a bathing suit? The answer may shock you.)

Oh, and by the way, remember how I urged you all to show up at the last Rick Murphy show, because it may be the last time I perform in public in a while. Well, this may be the last time I perform in public for a while. I mean it this time.

Here are the details:

"The Summer Funtime Special."
May 18
10 PM

The Gene Frankel Underground Theater
24 Bond Street (between Broadway and Lafayette)

Admission: $5 if you just see our show, $10 if you stay the whole night (which is well worth doing, by the way.)

Be there -- or your summer will suck! Seriously.

Short Round-Up

2006-05-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'll be skipping town for a few days, but just wanted to keep you updated on my adventures ...

- I just sold a bit to one of the two radio syndicators I sometimes write for. It's the first time in a bunch of months. I am happy. Yay for me!

- For those of you who missed the highly amusing pooping-during-the-Rick-Murphy-show story, you can catch it here ... (scroll down) This is my favorite part, as it very accurately describes the bathroom at the Gene Frankel Underground ...

"I open the door to what is presumably the bathroom. I'm hoping. I think. Now, it's not exactly that scene from Trainspotting - The Worst Toilet in Scotland - but it's close. There's something vaguely resembling a shower in the corner. In it, a red lawn furniture cushion, a hair brush and some white plastic sunglasses. Kinky."

Isn't it though ...

- And finally, notice the end of this post from Dan McCoy, with that mysterious yet tantalizing promise of something on May 18. What could be brewing there, I wonder ....

The Rick Murphy show is over for now ...

2006-04-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

...but gosh won't those memories last a lifetime ...

More photos here.

Check out our two videos here and here! Hamster video coming soon! More updates as they occur!

UPDATE: So you might be saying, yeah, all those pics are okay, but did anyone experience gastro-intestinal problems during the show? And so I'll throw it to my man Mike Golay -- who is also an awesome guitarist -- to tell of his harrowing encounter with the hell that is the Gene Frankel Underground bathroom (read it here)

A New Plug (+ A New Video!)

2006-04-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

Just a handy reminder, people, there are only TWO more chances to see the "Rick Murphy is an Asshole" show (time, dates and location below). With SNR on hiatus, this may be the last time I perform in public for a while.

Along those lines, here is one of the video segments of the show ... If you're going to see the show. you may want to hold off in viewing this (although personally I find it funnier with repeated viewings.) I'm not in this but I co-wrote it. And if you like it, email it to your friends, and write something on the email like "This is hilarious!!" And use a lot of exclamation points. That really sells it.

And now, for your enjoyment, I give you "Asshole Actor" ...

Kudos to the filmmaker Chris, who put this together in a real rush, and of course to Rick and Mr. Zuckerman.

We also have another little preview video here.

And now the full plug-y:

"Rick Murphy is an Asshole"
part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective

LAST TWO SHOWS: Thursdays April 20 and 27
8PM

Gene Frankel Underground Theater (really Juvie Hall)
24 Bond Street between Broadway and Lafayette

Check us out on myspace here.

UPDATE: And thanks to the Apairy for the plug on that little side thingie. It's appreciated and shit.

UPDATE NUMBER TWO: I have just been informed that if you come to the "Big Bang" at 7, and see the short play, film, and improv act before us, admission is $5, instead of the usual $10. So you may want to check that out, all you cheap people out there (and I know that's most of you.) If you do come at 8, please know that your admission ticket includes a FREE BEER. Beer is, of course, the official beverage of the asshole.

New Stuff

2006-04-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

I just posted something on the SNR Isthmus, a new post entitled "The Fascinating Lameness of Mallard Fillmore." And yes, if it's not obvious from the post, I really am obsessed with that cartoon, and how stupid it is.

And along those lines, here are some one-liners for y'all ...

President Bush threw out the opening pitch Monday at Cincinnati's Great American Ball Park, but the pitch was high and inside, or as Fox News called it, absolutely perfect.

Star Jones returned to The View on Monday, after undergoing breast-lift surgery. Jones had complications with the breast lift, as did the doctor, who got a hernia.

President Bush said his new chief of staff will focus on having “the White House to function in an effective way." They’re calling it: “Operation Six Years Too Late.”

Basic Instinct 2 opened this weekend in a disappointing 10th place, making only 3 million dollars. So it’s changing its name to “Another Look at Sharon Stone’s Hoochie.”

Some 200 gay families plan to attend the annual White House Easter Egg Roll next Monday. This will also be the first year the Easter Eggs will be served as Spanish omelets with mimosas.

A German man is trying to sue the Easter Bunny, who he says promotes chocolate, which can lead to obesity, heart attacks and strokes. Through a spokesman, the Easter Bunny had this to say: “I’m fictional, jackass!”

In an interview Calista Flockhart says that she was undernourished when she worked on her hit show Ally McBeal. She came to this conclusion after watching episodes of Ally McBeal.

NASA announced plans this week to crash on space probe on the Moon in 2009 in search of ice. Obviously because they haven’t looked by the elevator next to the soda machine.

Anthologized!

2006-04-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

Just got some nice news ... An old list that was published in McSweeneys is going to be published in an upcoming McSweeneys anthology, called "McSweeneys Book of Lists." Which means I will live in book form! This is the best kind of writing victory -- one that does not involve me doing any extra work. (Making this kind of cooler is it has the same name as "The Book of Lists," one of my favorite books as a kid. You may not believe this, kiddies, but there was a time, long ago when I was a youngster, when pubishing a book of lists was actually a novel idea, before our collective attention spans went to hell.)

And as long as we're talking books, I should also note that my little sis has a book coming out this September, on plastic "toy" cameras. We'll see if she reads this blog and responds to this shout out.

Ths Isthmus Lives???

2006-04-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

So Saturday Night Rewritten may be on hiatus, but SNR writer Josh Drimmer has come up with the not-bad idea to resurrect the SNR "Isthmus." The Isthmus was a little blog where the SNR writers posted comedic writings; to everyone's surprise it became quite active, and the banter back and forth was quite enjoyable, even if people outside the show may not have always realized what we were talking about.

Anyway, there was/is some good stuff there -- including a few things I'm somewhat proud of, as well as some very amusing things by others -- and you can do far worse things than to spend an hour or two perusing it. Eventually we all got our own blogs and it kind of died. And that was that. Or was it? Josh has already posted an funny rant about his love for Gilmore Girls, which he is rightfully embarassed by. I will follow suit soon, as soon as I can find something sufficiently humorous to say. And then we shall have to see ...

PS And what does the name mean, you ask? Ah, well, it's a strange story. But it came from an idea of mine, after I just got back from a tropical vacation, for a skit called "Christmas at the Isthmus." It was an idea so stupid that we did a skit THAT NIGHT making fun of it. Those were good times, my friends. Good times.

Somebody Likes Assholes!

2006-04-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

The folks at Jester Journal (actually I think it's just one dude)-- a thoughtful and comprehensive comedy webzine -- have given the "Rick Murphy is an Asshole" show a very nice review. Warning: If you haven't seen the show, there is a semi-spoiler or two, so you may want to hold off. But we have a pull quote: "A highly entertaining show [that] showcases a performer who probably has a lot more great work in him." He even likes our music cues! Hoo-ah!

A Little Preview of Tomorrow* ....

2006-04-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

... and the next three Thursdays.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

* By the way, in an innovative twist, this preview won't be in the show, at least tomorrow night, for reasons I'm too annoyed at to explain here. But enjoy.

UPDATE: We got a little blurb in the "Comedy" section of "Time Out New York." Pick it up. Check us out.

One Last Time ...

2006-04-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

UPDATE:

Here is the info in convenient visual form ...

Chances are if you a regular reader of this blog -- and that's a, shall we say, exclusive club -- you have probably heard about this a lot. Hey I'm getting sick of plugging this thing ...

But just so we're all clear about what's happening, here are the details. It really should be a fun show, and attendance is mandatory for all blog readers. I'm a little nervous (all right, a lot nervous), a little excited, and will be very happy when at least this first show is all over with.

"RICK MURPHY IS AN ASSHOLE"

Thursdays in April (beginning April 6, and continuing April 13, 20 and 27)
8 PM

Part of the Manhattan Comedy Collective
@ Gene Frankel Underground
24 Bond Street
(between Bowery and Lafayette)
take the 6 to Bleecker St.

Every Thursday in April, comedian Rick Murphy and other performers pay tribute in sketches, videos and song to that underappreciated person in today's world – the asshole. Join us as we explore the asshole in all of us – but especially in Rick.

Starring Rick Murphy with guest performances by Lindsay Joy, Laura Buchholz and Rob Bates. Written by Rob Bates, Laura Buchholz with Rick Murphy.

Directed by Stacy Mayer.

Admission is $10, and contains admission to a full night of comedy and FREE BEER (the official drink of the asshole.)

Do Spacemen Turn You On?

2006-03-31T06:31:00.000-08:00

Check out the latest episode of Captains in Space, featuring my muse Rick Murphy, in the role he was born to play, "The Lawn Guy," as well as the lovely and talented Miss Lindsay Joy. All this could spiral into another plug for the show in April, but I'll give you a break this one time (mainly because I plan to do about six in the next month) and just let you enjoy this episode. Go, Fed*!

PS Thanks for the plug, McCoy*! Are those your dulcet tones on the intro?

* - meaning Fed Hatoum, Dan McCoy. Both lovely and talented as well.

One Liner Time!

2006-03-30T09:28:00.000-08:00

Newsday printed one; here are some more:

Saddam Hussein interrupted his trial this week and announced that “It's only a short time before the sun will rise where there has been dark." In related news, Saddam Hussein is now writing the lyrics for the next power ballad by Poison.

The head of Health and Human Services said last week Americans should prepare for the bird flu by buying lots of canned tuna and powdered milk. He later admitted he got the government’s emergency preparedness plan confused with his shopping list for his cat.

A new survey says that young people get most of their news from the Internet. In related news, a majority of young people think the most important story of the last month was Lindsay Lohan's nipple slip.

A talk show host in St. Louis was fired when he inadvertently said hiring Condoleeza Rice as baseball commissioner would be a “tremendous coon.” He later said he would regret the remark for the rest of his kike.

For his 80th birthday, France this week gave comedian Jerry Lewis a medal and induction into the Legion of Honor. Lewis was honored for his lifetime of reinforcing all of France’s worst stereotypes about Americans.

Three poultry workers in Israel were taken to the hospital last week with symptoms authorizes say could be the bird flu. Israeli doctors first became suspicious when unable to treat the flu with chicken soup.

Actor Charlie Sheen recently shocked people when he said that 9/11 could be a conspiracy because the plane "didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life.” Even more shocking: Charlie Sheen is allowed to fly a commercial jetliner.

A new poll shows the Democrats likely to capture both the House and the Senate in November, which means the Democrats only have six months to screw things up.

Giant Game of Asshole Thursday!

2006-03-29T05:27:00.000-08:00

Join us as we get ready for the premiere of "Rick Murphy is an Asshole" April 6 with a marathon round of the great drinking game "Asshole" Thursday, March 30, at the Manhattan Comedy Collective, at 10PM, at the Gene Frankel Underground Theater.

It's all part of MC2's "Spring Break Night" which also includes two sketch shows Freedum (7:00 p.m.), and A Week of Kindness (7:30 p.m.), and two improv shows: the College Gravity Bowl Opening Ceremony (8:00 p.m.), hosted by the always charming Josh & Tamra, and the Improv Death March (9:30 p.m.), hosted by Beats & Mouth, where "the audience decides the winners; losers get shockwaved!" I'm not sure what that means, but it probably involves a sandy-haired guy telling you to get your props before the show.

It all promises to be a lot of fairly drunken fun ... Be there, or be a you-know-what ...

What: A Giant Game of Asshole!
Where: Gene Frankel Underground Theater (better known in our hearts as Juvie Hall)
24 Bond Street (between Bowery and Lafayette)
Time: 10 PM
Admission: A super cheap five bucks!

All Behold ...

2006-03-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

The Rick Murphy is an Asshole Myspace page.

Add us as your friend!!!

Now We're Gonna Really Have to Do This ...

2006-03-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

.... making it all semi-official, check out a little blurb for "Rick Murphy is an Asshole" on the Manhattan Comedy Collective web site.

PS I'm in Newsday today, and even if you don't like my joke, check out the final one from Conan, which is great ...

This is a Very Silly Sketch

2006-03-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

And for the record, I've met some very nice people from Dubai, may visit there in the near future, and, from everything I read, I didn't think the ports thing was all that terrible. But whatever. This was for the premiere of Saturday Night Rewritten, co-written by the estimable Lori Steele.

ANNCR Ladies and gentlemen, winner of several Grammies and temporarily, the contract to control America’s ports, the Dubai Brothers.

SFX: APPLAUSE

DUBAI 1 Hello, New York City!

DUBAI 2 We are the Dubai Brothers!

DUBAI 1 We hear that many in America fear us taking over your ports. But you shouldn’t. We are not a bad country, we are an adorable classic rock group. Perhaps your parents listened to us. They know our songs, “Old Black Petrol/keep on rolling” and “Taking it to the Ports.”

DUBAI 2 We are not bad people! Remember on What’s Happening, when Rerun came to our concert, tried to bootleg us, and then the big giant tape machine fell out of his big giant stomach. But we didn’t hold it against him, no we joined together and helped foil the bootleggers, just like we will join together to help foil the terrorists.

DUBAI 1 Granted Dubai has done some bad things. We were one of the few countries to recognize the Taliban. And yes our country is said to bea haven for money laundering. And oh yeah, we’ve hosted both Michael Jackson and Star Jones.

DUBAI 2 But, hey, we took them off your hands for a week.

DUBAI 1 What we’re saying, we’re not perfect. But the Doobie Brothers aren’t perfect either. They give the world Michael McDonald. I hate that song, (SINGS) “Somewhere back in the long ago …”

DUBAI 2 We hate Michael MacDonald even more than I hate America. We spit on his wimpy adult contemporary sound and synthesizer-ridden production.

DUBAI 1 How about this? You give us control of all your ports, and we promise only let terrorists target Michael MacDonald.

DUBAI 2 And his audience. Which is more than half of your population.

DUBAI 1 And one more thing, we promise if you do give us control of your ports, we will take your security really seriously. No Michael MacDonald, no loveable fat guys with tape guys with tape recorders in their shirts, and no people saying, “Live from New York, It’s Rewritten.”

And Now, Funny Stuff By ... Other People

2006-03-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I am still deciding what to do with this blog, but I would like to salute those folks who are doing good stuff ...

So now, in no particular order, the first in a series, "Funny Recent Posts By People Who Are Linked on My Blogroll" (and self-promotional stuff doesn't count):

Christina gets profound.

Devon realizes no man is an uncharted desert island.

Abby Scott gets all political and shit.

Still a funny reference.

Matt Koff asks a good question.

Ken Rasak asks another.

I can totally see Sara saying this. Especially the part in bold.

UPDATE: By -- ahem -- request ... Dan's ironic vendor sketch

One Liner-Palooza

2006-03-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

I had a one-liner in Newsday today, the first time in several months I've sent them jokes. Here are some more:

President Bush went to India last week, to see all the jobs his Administration has created.

In an interview President Bush defended vice president Dick Cheney, saying, "He's a friend." And we all know how Cheney treats his friends. He shoots them.

Saddam Hussein ended his 11 day hunger strike for what his lawyer called "health reasons." The health reasons were, "He was hungry and didn't want to die.

A 12 year-old boy at the Detroit Institute of Arts stuck a wad of gum to a $1.5 million abstract painting, leaving an irrecovable quarter-sized stain. Fortunately, since it was an abstract painting, no one could tell the difference.

A Kuala Lumpur village claims to have proof of a colony of Bigfoot-type creatures living in near-by woods. Fortunately the village next to it has seen proof of an entire colony of Steve Austins.

The Mardi Gras took place in New Orleans last week. Out of respect to the damage done by Hurricane Katrina, many partygoers kept their breasts at half-flash.

Hartford, Connecticut residents are trying to drive drug dealers from a local park by playing non-stop Beethoven and Mozart. That plan has worked, but now residents are having all sorts of problems with the guy from Clockwork Orange.

A survey recently rated New Hampshire the most livable state in the country. However, it later turned out that most of the survey respondents were cows.

Already, The Hype is Deafening

2006-03-08T12:29:00.000-08:00

Coming to Manhattan Comedy Collective, this April: "Rick Murphy is an Asshole" -- partially written by and starring moi. Read my first attempt to whip up a frenzy here.

Nine Reasons to Catch the Season Premiere of Saturday Night Rewritten

2006-03-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

1. What else do you have to do on a Sunday?

2. The musical guest is someone who I personally recommended, the great writer-slash-songstress Sharon Goldman, who does a folkie kind of folk music, done folk style. You know she's good, because she honed her musical sensibility sitting in the cubicle next to mine, listening to me sing off-key to the Beach Boys with my headphones.

3. Saturday Night Rewritten has received praise from the Daily News, New York Post, Metro, AOL City Guide, Backstage, and whole lot of other places who don't accept my pitches.

4. I will be head writer, so the writing will soar to unimaginable heights.

5. SNR is generally a seat-of-the-pants show, but this could be our seat-of-the-pantiest edition ever.

6. In the past, a lot of you have enjoyed the show, but complained there were too many sets, costumes and sketches with more than one scene in them. Well, you might be pleasantly surprised ....

7. It's been three months since the last SNR in December -- which, by the way, ruled -- and we've all missed doing it, and everyone at the show is going to be at their mega-psyched-est.

8. How often do I bother you guys to see shows? Well, constantly, I know, but you gotta see this one. As well as the "asshole" show I'm doing as part of Manhattan Comedy Collective in April. You gotta see that too. So just see this one and the "asshole" one in April. And a couple of others that I don't know about yet.

9. I repeat: What else do you have to do on a Sunday? Losers!

Here are the details:

Saturday Night Rewritten
Sundays at 8:30pm
Season Premiere - March 12th

Gene Frankel Underground Theater
24 Bond Street (between Bowery and Lafayette)

Tickets are $10
They can be purchased in advance
via Smarttix
(212) 868-4444

Misc.

2006-02-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

People have been telling me to write in this more often ... so here goes ...

Everyone once in a while -- all right, rather frequently -- I will search the technorati blog search engine to see if anyone is mentioning me on their blog. Not surprisingly, an overwhelming amount of the time, no one is ... However, recently it pointed to a post -- apparently from an English teenager -- called "anograms" ... which featured this little nugget ...

L isa
i s
S luty
A nd

A nnoying
N ightly.
N ever
E ver

B een
E xcited
R andly
E specially has
S exual
F antasies
O ver
Rob bates
D aily.

Now, I don't know these people, and in England, "Bates" is a far more common name than it is here. But I would like to give a little shout-out to Lisa Anne Beresford, whoever you are -- Lisa, I applaud you for having sexual fantasies daily about someone with the same name as me. This Rob Bates says feel free to keep on having them, and don't worry about those catty bloggers who call you annoying and slutty, because anyone who would have a daily sexual fantasy about "Rob Bates" -- any Rob Bates -- is okay by me. You go girl!

And, by the way, here is my latest skit, entitled ... well, you'll see ...

ANNCR
Coming up next – it’s the new hit comedy, The Bipolar Bisexual.

THEME SONG
He’s the bipolar bisexual
And he’s four guys in one
He’s the bipolar bisexual
And he’s always lots of fun

Sometimes he’s straight and manic
Sometimes gay and depressed
Sometimes he’s a happy hetero
And you can guess the rest

He’s the bipolar bisexual
Which guy will he be?
Oh, the bipolar bisexual
You just wait and see

(OPEN ON: SITCOM HOME)
(DISS TO: LIVE: GERRY COMES HOME WHERE CAROLE IS WAITING FOR HIM)

GERRY
Hey, Carole. I’m home. And I’m feeling great.

CAROLE
Oh, I’m so happy to hear that.

GERRY
And you know, I’m in the mood.

CAROLE
Now, I’m really happy.

GERRY
Well, I’m all set to – and, eh, forget it. I’m in a crappy mood now. I’m gonna go to my bedroom and curl up in a fetal position and listen to the Smiths!

CAROLE
Oh, Gerry. You just switched to depressed!

GERRY
By the way, you look terrible in gingham.

CAROLE
And gay!

(GERRY EXITS. CAROLE GETS ON PHONE.)

CAROLE
Cynthia, it just happened again ... he keeps switching on me!...you know, you’re right. We’re gonna have to spend some time apart. (HANGS UP)

(GERRY RE-ENTERS.)

GERRY
Hey, honey. I’m feeling better. And I’m in the mood to have sex.

CAROLE
Great!

GERRY
With the hot pool boy next door. See ya!

CAROLE
Gerry! I can’t take this anymore! You are too unpredictable. We need time apart.

GERRY
To be honest, Carole, I’ve been thinking the same thing. It isn’t fair to put you through this day after day. That’s why the other day, I decided to get a place in LA in addition to New York.

CAROLE
So that means ---

GERRY
Yes. Now I’m the bicoastal bipolar bisexual.

CAROLE
Now, you’re six people in one. Oh no!

(FADE OUT.)

THEME SONG
He’s the bicoastal bipolar bisexual
He’s six people now
He’s the bicoastal bipolar bisexual
And he’s such a wow.

He could be gay and happy in NYC
Or straight and depressed in LA
A New York happy heterosexual
Or morose on the Coast and gay

He’s the bicoastal bipolar bisexual
Where and who will he be?
He’s the bicoastal bipolar bisexual
You just wait and see

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

The characters are named after the world's greatest songwriting team. This was written for the "Writing for SNL" class, taught by Ali Farahnakian at the PIT, who gave me nice suggestions for it. And speaking of SNL, Saturday Night Rewritten will return in, oh, three weeks -- and when it does, I will likely have more info about this OTHER sketch show I'm working on (no, the silly sketch above isn't part of it.) Stay tuned ...

Reading on February 19

2006-02-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

More details when I have them, but I will be once again showing my face in public at the Writers Working reading series on February 19, with a bunch of other literary-type folks. What will I be reading? Let me quote from the description on the Writers Working blog: "Rob is currently deciding what he will be reading on Sunday the 19th, but he and we are certain it is banging." Banging,huh? We'll see about that. Way to increase the pressure, guys!

Anyway, the rest of the readers look pretty cool, and it's only $5 suggested donation (also known as "free with dirty looks.") And there are free muffins. That's right -- free muffins! Whoo-hoo!

Here are the details:

Writers Working Reading Series
Sunday Feb. 19
7 - 8:30 PM

The Drama Book Shop (downstairs)
250 W. 40th St. (between 7th and 8th)

(And thanks to David Silverman for setting this baby up.)

Two January-kind of skits

2006-01-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

All right, many people have asked me (all right, just one guy) to update this blog ... So here are two skits I wrote for a "Writing for SNL" class at the People's Improv Theater ... Anyone who wants to buy these or otherwise stage them (with due credit, of course) is welcome to ...

"NAME TAG"

ANNCR If you thought The Shield was intense, tune in for drama for that’s even intenser ...

Meet Joe, the toughest security guard who won’t let you in his building ... From the producers of "The Shield," it's ... “The Name-Tag.”

"The Name Tag" is shaking things up. From the angry way he asks people he doesn't know “Can I help you?” to the scowl on his face when he asks to see your ID, you don’t want to mess with the man behind “The Name-Tag.”

GUARD Didn’t I ask you for two pieces of photo ID?

MAN Yes!

GUARD Well, there is no photo here! Now, IS THERE? IS THERE?

ANNCR Starring Anthony Camino, winner of the Golden Globe for Most Intense Actor in an Intense Comedy or Drama.

GUARD You didn’t put the right time in my book when you signed out. And it says "print here" and I can't read your penmanship. You have five seconds to sign that again, you understand! Five seconds!

ANNCR Find out why one critic says, “The Name-Tag is the most intense thing I’ve seen on my TV screen – and I’ve seen videos of World War II.” And why another says: “Watching ‘The Name-Tag’ is like repeatedly being kneed in the groin while another guy smacks you upside the head. But it hurts so good.”

BOSS Listen, Joe! You beat up a guy today because he didn’t know anyone in the building. It turns out he had the wrong address. What are you, a lunatic?

GUARD I gotta protect my building, chief! And the day you don’t let me, that’s the day I turn in my tag.

ANNCR “The Name Tag.” This fall, getting to the elevator, won't be so easy.

++++

"HEALTHY SOUNDING"

MOM
I’m a busy mom. Who isn’t these days? And while I want my children to eat healthy, I also like it how my kid shuts up when I feed him lousy food. That’s why I like new Healthy Sounding Choice Snacks and Cereals.

Every Healthy Sounding Choice product is fortified with a lot of really official seeming information designed to fool you into thinking it’s nutritious. Take this cereal.

SHOT OF: CEREAL

MOM
It contains “25% Fewer Carbs Than the Cereal with The World’s Highest Amount of Carbs.” Sounds good to me! Or this::

SHOT OF: JUICE

MOM
“This Fruit Juice Contains 1% Real Fruit Juice.” Definitely something I want to give to my kid! Or this:

SHOT OF: POPS

MOM
“Each Frozen Sugar Pop Has 95% Less Carcinogens Than Tobacco!” That’s great, because I don’t want my kids to get cancer!

So go ahead! Give your child garbage without the guilt! Join the millions of happily self-deluded Moms who say, “You can’t feel bad if it’s a healthy sounding choice!”

ANNOUNCER
Every Healthy Sounding Choice Product has been endorsed by the American Association of Doctors Who Endorse Things in Commercials.

This quote sums up how I feel about a lot of the work related stuff I do

2006-01-04T15:28:00.000-08:00

"One of my uncles, who didn't write music, would say it is better than threading pipe. It is ... but the gap is closing."

- Randy Newman

a short post (but unimportant)

2005-12-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone, just a quick note ... I probably won't be posting THAT much to this blog for a little bit ... Saturday Night Rewritten is on hiatus until February, and I may take off writing one-liners for a bit, just because I've been doing it for a while and need a break. I'll pick this all up sooner or later ... and I may even add original content here at some point. I just have to come up with something to say (funny how that works, huh?)

I have some other stuff I'm working on that I'll inform you about if it ever comes about. I just sold some jokes to some news parody show at Fuse TV, which is kind of like MTV, but it's Fuse TV. Which I think is my first official sale to a TV show -- a nice little minor milestone. I'll let you know when and if the show airs and their check clears. I also made last week's Newsday.

Anyway, I hope everyone out there is having good holidays and has a great new year ... and remember, just because you are reading this blog, I officially declare you AWESOME.

Leave some holiday or New Year's message in the comments, why dont ya?

Rob

From SNR: Channukah Dwarves

2005-12-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

Well, if Saturday Night Live can do their part to perpetuate Jewish stereotypes with their awesomely excellent Christmastime for the Jews video (featuring the awesomely excellent Darlene Love), well, Saturday Night Rewritten could at least do the same. This was written with some input from my fellow Jew-boy Matt Koff (MVP of the last show, in my opinion). Here, is the "Legend of the Channukah Dwarves":

ANNCR We all know the famous legend of Santa’s elves, making toys for children in that famous workshop in the North Pole. But what many don’t know is there is that just down the road from Santa’s workshop there is also a fleet of dwarves who make toys and presents for all the kids for Chanukah. Ladies and gentlemen, Saturday Night Rewritten presents for the first time, “The Legend of Channukah Dwarves.”

DWARVES COMES IN

DWARVES
(TO THE TUNE OF “HI HO”)

Oh vey, oh vey.
Another rotten day.
My back it hurts
My feet feel worse
Oh vey oh vey.

KVETCHY Hey, how are ya? Welcome to our workshop. (TO AUDIENCE) Can I get you a coffee or some kind of nosh? You look hungry. (WAITS FOR ANSWER)

All right, I’m one of the legendary Chanukah dwarves. You may have heard of Grumpy, one of Snow White’s Seven Dwarves. Well, I’m his little-known Yiddish cousin, Kvetchy. Let me introduce to you the rest of the dwarves – Shleppy …

SHLEPPY NODS

KVETCHY Shlumpy …

SHLUMPY NODS

KVETCHY Hey, Shlumpy, could you tuck your shirt in? There’s an audience here.

SHLUMPY TRIES TO TUCK HIS SHIRT IN.

KVETCHY And stand up straight, would you?

SHLUMPY TRIES.

KVETCHY Eeech, is he hopeless. Then there’s Shvitzy …

SCHVITZY Hey, it’s really hot in here. I’m schvitzing like a horse!

KVETCHY And finally, Shmegegge, Meshuge, and Seymour.

SEYMOUR WAVES.

SHLUMPY And we all work in our workshop, here at the upscale residential side of the North Pole, making toys for all the kids for Channukah. It’s a pretty lousy place to work, but what the hell, it beats working at B and H Photo.

SCHVITZY It's so hot! Could someone put in air conditioning?

SHLUMPY Schvitzy, we’re in the North Pole! There’s no air conditioning!

SCHVITZY Maybe crack open a window.

SHMEGEGGE Anyway, all year long, these kids write us letters, saying gimme this, gimme that.

SEYMOUR This is from Carole Klein of Great Neck, Long Island. “Dear Chanukah Dwarves. What I really want or Chanukah is some plastic surgery, a Louis Vuitton handbag, and Justin Timberlake to play at my Bat Mitzvah.”

SHLUMPY Hey, listen Carole. Perhaps you have us confused us with the Rockefeller dwarves. We’re working all year making you these little stinky toys, so you could at least appreciate them.

KVETCHY (TO AUDIENCE) By the way, are you sure you don’t want a coffee?

Well, that’s it. I think we gotta get going. Come on guys, and Shlumpy, could you comb your hair or something? You really look a mess.

SHLUMPY TRIES.

KVETCHY Ah forget it. All right, guys. Let’s go …

(TO THE TUNE OF HI HO)
Oh vey, oh vey.
We’ll all drop dead one day.
We’ll break our backs
Get heart attacks
Oy vey, oy vey.

ANNCR So remember, boys and girls, the Chanukah dwarves will be delivering their special presents to you this Channukah, which they’ll sell to you, at only 5% above wholesale. It’s a real deal, you’ll love it. And so ends the tale of the Chanukah dwarves.

Monday morning one-liners

2005-12-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

Beginning this week, people in New Jersey are allowed to hunt black bears. As is New Jersey custom, once killed, the bears will be stuffed in a truck and buried under Giants Stadium.

Dr. Phil is creating a primetime reality series which targets deadbeats who live off their families. It’s called Moochers, which is a change from its first title, The Biggest Federline.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld this week assailed the media for not talking about the good news in the war in Iraq. For example, Rumsfeld noted that, while chaos and casualties continued to mount, he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico.

Dr. Phil admitted that he had "no expertise" in diet products in a series of emails that could be entered into evidence in an upcoming lawsuit. Other evidence that Dr. Phil has no expertise in diet products: Dr. Phil.

President Bush has been called for jury duty in Texas. In a statement the President said, “I’ll be happy to serve once I stop giggling over the word ‘doody.’

Rapper Eminem announced Tuesday that he is planning to remarry his ex-wife Kim. In related news, Eminem now says he has material for his next six albums.

After 24 years of marriage, Valerie Bertinelli has filed for divorce from guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Friends say it took Bertinelli all this time to realize it’s not really that cool sleeping with a guy in a band.

Vice President Dick Cheney headlined a campaign fund-raiser for Tom DeLay this week. Afterwards Cheney and DeLay had dinner, enjoying a sumptuous meal of three homeless orphans.

According to a oral history of Osama Bin Laden, the al Qaeda leader detests Saddam Hussein. The feud dates back several years when they were both in love with the same goat.

Jeanine Pirro's husband has reportedly secretly going behind her back to lobby a New York State Republican leader to get her to drop out of the race for Senate against Hillary Clinton. Pirro said my husband hasn’t disappointed me so much since he committed tax fraud, went to federal prison, had an affair and then had a child with his mistress.

New wreckage from the Titanic suggests that the ship broke into three sections and sank faster than previously believed. In related news, director James Cameron has committed suicide.

Self Promotional Round-Up

2005-12-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

* I have a new piece (well, it's really an old one but let's not say anything) in the latest issue of Ducts, which is some kind of on-line magazine. It is my attempt to purge my hatred for Billy Joel, which was only partially successful. Thanks to Dan McCoy, Duct's humor editor, who also did a really cool illustration. He even has, as they say in the trade, a news peg -- what a damn genius.

* I was in Newsday Thursday.

* I am a part of this too. It's Friday December 16, 8 PM at Juvie Hall and should be good. Check it out.

From SNR: Dane Cook Monologue

2005-12-05T08:08:00.000-08:00

All right, here is my version of the Dane Cook monologue from last week's Saturday Night Rewritten. We ended up going with a different approach for the monologue, which I also co-wrote, but I like this better. I co-wrote this with Josh Drimmer, and Jay Bois, who played Dane Cook. None of us really have anything against Dane Cook; we just thought this was funny ...

DANE COOK Hi welcome to Saturday Night Rewritten. This is the show that takes the prior night’s Saturday Night Live, and over the course of eight hours, develops an entirely new show.

I’m Dane Cook, and am not just any comedian. I am a well-plotted comedy phenomenon. Or as I would call it “com-phomenon.”

But you ask how did I get so popular? Well, I’ve worked hard to become the perfect comedian. For example, I don’t need a microphone, because of an amplifier implanted in larynx. And then, much like a Fortune 500 company, we brought in high powered marketing consultants to determine what would make a successful comedy act.

We did some extensive focus group testing to determine what the average college freshman wants to hear in a comedian.

GRAPHIC:
COMIC HUMOR PROFERENCES
30% observational jokes
30% titty jokes

As you can see, 30% of college kids want to hear smart observational jokes. The other 30% want to hear jokes about sex and boobs. We at Daneco have determined that if you do observational jokes about sex, you have reached what we call the “sweet spot” and therefore can appeal to every college kid in America.

Well, there is one freshman in Maine who hasn’t heard my album yet, but we’re working on him.

Let’s look more specifically how I’m able to make every college kid a fan. For example, this week I am touring the University of Wisconsin. Our research has determined that Wisconsin college students want less boob jokes, more nutsack jokes.

GRAPHIC:
HUMOR BREAKDOWN FROM UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN

28% jokes about people in malls
32% jokes about cold weather
40% jokes about nutsacks

Followed by the University of New Hampshire, where for some reason they’re big on necrophilia jokes.

GRAPHIC:
HUMOR BREAKDOWN FROM UNIVERSITY OF NEW HAMPSHIRE

26% jokes about elderly flatulence
33% jokes about getting laid
25% jokes about necrophilia

Now you may ask how do I develop my material? Well, we use my personal robot, the Observatron 9000.

(OBSERVATRON COMES OUT)

The Observatron is connected to an extensive network of cameras strategically placed throughout the country that red flags any instances of extreme irony, giving me a scientifically tested nonstop stream of perfectly formed comic gold.

For instance, what’s happening now, Observatron?

OBSERVATON We had an ironic incident in a Topeka, Kansas Cinnabon. A woman ordered a massive cinammon roll with extra sugar and then put Splenda in her coffee. Isn’t that strange? Huh, huh, huh.

COOK That’s great stuff Observatron.

Finally, for the audience members without the attention span to listen to jokes, we have pioneered the use of comedic hand gestures. After the success of 2005’s power finger and rock and roll quotes, I’d like to unveil the 2006 model comedic gesture, the Speckled Hen.

I’ll need a volunteer. Let we warn you: This gesture has just arrived in from product development, and has not been market tested, so we won’t show it to the audience.

VOLUNTEER COMES UP. COOK DOES HIS HAND GESTURE. AUDIENCE MEMBER'S HEAD EXPLODES WITH LAUGHTER.

Wow, that is powerful stuff.

We have a great show. (MUSICAL GUEST) is here…stick around.

New Saturday Night Rewritten Attendance Plea

2005-12-01T04:49:00.000-08:00

Well, as some as you know, we have only three more shows left of Saturday Night Rewritten for the year (December 4, 11 and 18.) After that, we're going on hiatus for a month and a half, and then we're figuring out where to have it, as our theater is closing (sob) .... So if you have been dying to see it (or even better, dying to see it again), well, let's just say I would act quickly, because who knows what's happening from here ....

Details:

Saturday Night Rewritten
Sundays 8 PM

Juvie Hall
24 Bond Street

One Liners

2005-11-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: And here's another Newsday joke.

Newsday printed another joke of mine this week ... Can't get enough of my one-liners?... you asked for 'em ... (OK you probably didn't. But go with me here ...)

Scientists now think that high-pitch sounds produced by mice meet the scientific definition of "song” -- particularly songs by Yoko Ono.

In its effort to fight the bird flu, China has killed millions of chickens. The order was done under the direction of Chinese General Tso.

In a speech, President Bush warned that the avian bird flu could be a major crisis. In fact, it could be such a serious crisis, he’s already planned his next vacation during it.

Jordanian officials said the recent terrorist attack there may have been conducted by a married couple. Their friends first became suspicious when the couple registered at Bed Bath and Bomb-Making Devices.

Regis Philbin will star in an update of the 50s TV show 'This is Your Life.' It will be called: 'This is Your Life and You Just Wasted an Hour of It.'

Police believe they have captured the woman who allegedly robbed banks while talking on her cell phone. She faces several counts of robbery plus severe charges for roaming.

A new study shows that people who workout almost daily can add nearly four years to their life spans. Unfortunately that four years just about equals the time you spent working out.

Man in Wisconsin is appealing to state authorities after he got the vanity plate "666 Ken." He said, "I'll change that license plate or my name isn't Ken W. Sonofsatan."

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger went on a trip to China this week. He said, in a country of one billion people, there ought to be at least one guy who isn't sick of those Terminator catch-phrases.

Jessica Simpson told an interviewer that if she wasn’t an entertainer, she would be a therapist. In related news, Jessica Simpson has said she will become a therapist.

From SNR: Pirates Come Back!

2005-11-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

From Saturday Night Rewritten, where today's fucked-up headline is tomorrow's comedy:

The setting is E Fashion Televison's Trendwatch. The two hosts are unnaturally chipper, and stay that way throughout the whole sketch.

ANNCR And now we return to Trendwatch on E! Fashion Television.
HIP TECHNO MUSIC
MARILYN Hello, I’m Marilyn.
BRIAN And I’m Brian.
MARILYN In the last few years, we have seen a lot of great old trends come back. Remember the great retro boom for sixties clothing, or seventies bell bottoms. But no one could have anticipated the newest exciting retro trend – pirates.
BRIAN I know what a lot of you are saying. Pirates? They’re so 300 years ago. But the recent pirate attack on a cruise ship off the coast of Somilia shows that today, pirates are back and better than ever.
MARILYN But these aren’t your great-great-great-great-grandfather’s pirates. For one thing, some of them are black.
BRIAN Plus, there are no peglegs or bottles of rum for these modern swashbucklers. They have a fresh look and exciting style that is more Johnny Depp than Long John Silver.
MARILYN And we have here today one of these fresh new brand of hip pirates who is clearly not stuck in the 1760s. So please welcome to E Trendwatch, the man who calls himself Pirate X.
HIP TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS AS HE ENTERS.
PIRATE COMES OUT WITH A GUN.
MARILYN Hi there, pirate X. I just love how you’re all about pushing the envelope and taking things to the edge.
PIRATE All right, shut up, you two assholes. Give me all your fucking money.
BRIAN Okay. (TAKES OUT HIS WALLET) So Pirate X. A lot of people dis piracy as hopelessly old school. But you and your men are more (STREET ACCENT) 'yo-yo-yo' than 'yo-ho-ho.'
PIRATE I said shut the fuck up. (TO MARILYN) Give me your wallet too.
MARILYN No problem. (TAKES OUT WALLET) Tell me, what about piracy do you think speaks to today’s youth?
PIRATE I said, be quiet! Now lay on the floor and don’t say anything.
(THE TWO GET ON THE FLOOR, THE PIRATE LEAVES)
BRIAN Wow. Those guys sure like to keep it real.
MARILYN Yeah. He may not have a parrot on his shoulder or a patch on his eye. But he’s about as authentic as you can get.
BRIAN That’s about all for our show tonight. Join us next time as we investigate our newest retro trend, “People who don’t believe in evolution.” That’s on our next E! Trendwatch.

HIP TECHNO MUSIC OVER AND OUT

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The characters are named after that this super-awesome guy and his talented (and Jewish - all right!) ex-wife, who is now ... well, let's just say, anyone in LA should totally buy their home from her!

Bringing the World Together, One Repressed Pervert at a Time

2005-11-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I see this blog as a way to bring different nations together. So imagine my happiness when it turns out we have a readership in Iran. All right, it's not really a "readership," only one person - but how exciting is it that one person from the Islamic Republic of Iran, a country that officially wants to blow us up, has actually looked at this blog? And what was this person looking for? Could it be some relections on the war of terror, as revealed by my hilarious satire? Some insight on how Americans think?

No. He was searching for "Bride groom first night fucking." Which got him here.

All hail the global village!

PS Check out my latest one-liner in Newsday here.

From SNR: Jon Corzine's Bitter Ex-Wife

2005-11-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

This is from Weekend Update Update on last week's Saturday Night Rewritten - the actress playing this did a GREAT job:

ROB The New Jersey governor’s race has been jolted after Jon Corzine’s ex-wife Joanne was quoted in a TV ad criticizing her former husband. In the ad she is quoted as saying, “Jon Corzine let me down, and he’ll let New Jersey down too.” Here with a commentary is Jon Corzine’s ex-wife, Joanne.

Ms. Corzine, this is really extraordinary that you’re doing this. It sounds a little bitter.

JOANNE Bitter! What’s so bitter? Just because I’m a discarded, used up, lied to and abused ex-wife who is trying to humiliate and politically destroy her husband. What is bitter about that?

But let me tell you, I have only just begun to fight. My first slogan was Jon Corzine let me down, he’ll let New Jersey down. But I have others. Get a lot of this one:

“Jon Corzine was neglectful of my emotional needs, he’ll be neglectful of New Jersey’s emotional needs too.”

And then

“Jon Corzine never bought me flowers, he’ll never buy New Jersey flowers either.”

And finally: “Jon Corzine was a premature ejaculator.”

I am not sure what this means for New Jersey, but I just want people to know he’s a premature ejaculator.

ROB Listen, Mrs. Corzine, I am appalled at this. Shouldn’t we just be debating whether he’ll be a good governor?

JOANNE I just want the people of New Jersey what they are in for. Oh yes, New Jersey, at first Jon will be a loving and respectful governor. He’ll sign a few bills, pass some budgets, make you feel like you’re the most important state on Earth. He’ll rub his loving hands through your municipalities and gently caress your tender turnpikes.

And then the change will come. He’ll start neglecting you, New Jersey. All of a sudden, he’ll be paying attention to younger and more exciting states like California. Soon you’re hearing, oh no, I can’t be in Trenton today, I am going to be spending the week with cute little Connecticut. You try to work it out. You go to governor-state counseling. He promises he’ll be a good governor again, just like the old days. And then one day you come home early and you find he has his dick in Delaware!

(SINISTER MUSIC)

Oh no, I’m not bitter, Jon Corzine. And I swear, I will defeat you with every ounce of my not-bitter soul.

ROB Joanne Corzine, ladies and gentleman.

Nice Saturday Night Rewritten Review ...

2005-11-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

... in the Washington Square News, the official newspaper of NYU. In fact, it is probably our best review yet. Please pick up a copy of that fine newspaper, support their advertisers, and give everyone associated with them a wet, juicy kiss.

The only thing I feel bad about is there a joke about Mary-Kate Olsen that I wrote, in a paper she might actually read. I'm sorry, Mary-Kate! Huge fan.

PS. I also made Newsday again yesterday. Ho ho ho!

From SNR: Mayor Bloomberg Maple Syrup Smell

2005-10-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

And here is my second Saturday Night Rewritten sketch ... Mayor Bloomberg Maple Syrup Smell ...

BLOOMBERG Hello. This is Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Many of you New Yorkers have been concerned about the sudden appearance of a maple syrup smell throughout the city this week. Some have worried about chemical poisoning or speculated that the smell could be terrorism-related.

Well, we have finally found out the answer, and the truth is, I knew it all along. (LAUGHS) For I, using my own personal funds, have purchased a 17 foot-tall, 2,000 pound Glade Air Freshener. For the last week, this air freshener has been hard at work in the bowels of City Hall and been filling our city with the pleasant odor of maple syrup.

But that’s not all in this exciting new initiative. By this time next week, all of New York will smell like orange pekot. Who doesn't love orange pekot? And over the next few weeks, this great metropolis will smell like strawberry, lemon zest, and finally, like a new car. Won't it be great to live in a city that smells like a new car! And in an initiative for our friends in the homosexual community, for the entire month of December New York will smell like potpurri.

I am pleased that, under my leadership, New York is now one of the top ten best smelling cities in America.

So that’s it, my fellow citizens. All you have to do is re-elect me, and New York will continue to be the city that never reeks. If however, the city fails to vote for me in November, I will have to set the city’s smell permanently back to urine.

ANNCR Mayor Bloomberg. Making New York better. Safer. More aromatic.

From SNR: Mobster Halloween

2005-10-31T10:10:00.001-08:00

You all can see two -- yes, two! -- sketches posted here from Saturday Night Rewritten this week... In a rare occurrence, I am actually happy with both. The first, mobster Halloween ...

MOBSTER All right, look Bruno, this guy they call William Diamond been a real pain for our family. By nightfall, I want you to round up some boys, teach him a lesson he won’t forget. But for now I gotta take the little kid out trick or treating. Hey kid, come here.

KID COMES OVER

MOBSTER All right, you got an hour of your daddy’s time, kid, so stand up straight, don’t act like a brat, and make me think you’re cute, all right?

KID OK, daddy.

MOBSTER All right. Now let’s go to this house over here. Ring the doorbell.

SFX DOORBELL

MAN ANSWERS.

MOBSTER Hey. Trick or treat, all right?

MAN Hi little boy. You’re so adorable. What are you dressed as?

CHILD I’m a mob informant who went to prison and got a shiv in his back.

MAN Oh, how cute. Well, listen, I don’t give out candy, because I don’t believe it is good for young children. But here is a toothbrush so you can brush your teeth and always have good dental hygiene.

MOBSTER A toothbrush. All you got is a fucking toothbush!

MAN Well, as I said, I don’t believe in candy and –

MOBSTER Look, buddy. Do you know what the calendar says today? What day is it today, Bruno?

BRUNO October 31.

MOBSTER And what day is that?

BRUNO Halloween.

MOBSTER Yeah, it’s Halloween. And, on Halloween, if I am not mistaken, according to an American social custom that is believed to have started sometime in the late thirties, you are supposed to give a piece of candy to my kid. Am I right?

BRUNO Yeah, you’re right boss.

MOBSTER Bruno, take a look at that toothbrush.

BRUNO I don’t like it boss. It has soft bristles. Dentists recommend hard bristles.

MOBSTER Soft fucking bristles. (ANGRY) Does my kid look like he wants soft bristles?

You know, this is a very nice house you have here. I’d hate for someone to go cover it in TP. That would be an awful thing.

BRUNO Yeah, real bad.

MOBSTER Or, I’d really hate for someone to ring your doorbell and put a bag of flaming dog poop on your door step. ‘Cause then when you stepped on the bag to put out the fire, you’d get dog poop all over your shoes.

MAN How about this? If you don’t like the toothbrush, I can give you some healthy food. Maybe some wheat germ.

MOBSTER Wheat germ. What do you think of wheat germ there, kid?

KID I don’t want wheat germ, daddy. (STARTS TO CRY)

MOBSTER Aw, look. Now, you made my kid cry.

KID KEEPS CRYING.

MOBSTEE (TO KID) OK, kid, shut the fuck up!

MAN Give me an hour. I’ll come back with some great candy, I swear. How about a chocolate bar?

MOBSTER Oh, I think it’s a little late for just a little chocolate bar. At this point, you gotta come up with chocolate plus something. Like some caramel. Or creamy nougat.

BRUNO Yeah, creamy nougat.

MAN I’ll do whatever you say!

MOBSTER All right. You got an hour. But I want you to know that I mean it when I say, trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. Good to eat, you hear! Good to fucking eat!

MAN I’ll come through, I swear!

MAN SHUTS DOOR, DISAPPEARS.

BRUNO All right, boss. I think we showed him pretty good.

KID Let’s go to the house next door, Daddy.

MOBSTER Oh yeah. The house next door. The Drimmers. Aren’t they the people who last Christmas had that display with Santa and no reindeers? (MULLING IT OVER) Yeah, Santa with no reindeers. We gotta go have a long talk with them.

From SNR: Vows

2005-10-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Here is my latest from everyone's favorite show, Saturday Night Rewritten. I don't claim this is better than anything except the sketch I wrote last week. And I may even change my mind about that. But it went over great on stage, and I got to name the couple after Brian and Marilyn Wilson, rock and roll couple for the ages. Here is "Writing Your Own Vows":

BRIDE AND GROOM STAND BEFORE MINISTER. THERE ARE ATTENDANTS GATHERED AROUND THE HAPPY COUPLE.

MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to witness the union of this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Before they get married, I am happy to say that Brian and Marilyn have written their own vows, which each is hearing for the first time today. Brian.

BRIAN Marilyn, you have always been very special to me, and I can’t think of a more perfect person to spend the rest of my life with. You are my best friend, you are my everything. I remember the first time I saw you at that Starbucks in New Jersey.

MARILYN Au Bon Pain.

BRIAN What?

MARILYN It was an Au Bon Pain. And it wasn’t in New Jersey, it was in Connecticut. I can’t believe you’ve forgotten that.

BRIAN OK, it was an au bon pain. Whatever.

MARILYN Whatever?! It’s an important detail!

BRIAN Look, just let me finish, okay.

(SOFTER VOICE) Anyway, I remember, you were at that coffee shop somewhere in the tri-state area.

MARILYN Au Bon Pain isn’t really a coffee place, but just go ahead.

BRIAN Look, could you not give me fucking attitude in the middle of our fucking wedding?

Marilyn, I saw you sitting there I’ll never forget how you looked – I think, you were wearing a purple, or a red –

MARILYN Green.

BRIAN Let’s just skip over the part. Anyway, the point is not the past, but the future. I look forward to many beautiful days ahead with you. Sure, you can be bitchy, as we’ve just seen. But I overlook all the times you can be a pain in the ass --

MARILYN Could you cut him off? It’s time for my vow.

MINISTER What?

MARILYN I wanna talk.

BRIAN As per usual.

MARILYN Oh fuck you.

BRIAN Fuck you too.

MINISTER Oh dear. This is really --

MARILYN (TO MINISTER) Shut up.

Brian, granted we don’t always get along, as we just have seen. And yeah, there were many better guys I met along the way. There was that guy Joe I dated a long time ago. He’s now the head of a Fortune 500 company and he has a really big yacht. I could be sailing in Riviera, instead of hanging out with you in your parent’s backyard in Jersey. Actually, I’m not really sure why I’m marrying you. Maybe I’m a masochist, maybe I’m crazy, who knows? The point is, I’m getting older, and you’re just about the only thing out there. So let’s just get it over with.

MINISTER (AWKWARD ) Very nice. Now, do you Brian, take this woman …

BRIAN Hey, I’d like to give a rebuttal vow.

MINISTER Um, there is no such thing as a rebuttal vow --

BRIAN First of all, I am so sick and tired of hearing about that douchebag Joe, who was allegedly her boyfriend. I talked to people who were there when the whole thing went down, he wasn’t your boyfriend, he just banged you a few times. I saw a picture of him, he’s a big fat slob with a cheesy moustache. So you can go running back to your alleged boyfriend if you like, but in my mind that doesn’t make you any better than a two-bit whore.

MINISTER Okay --

MARILYN Speaking of whores, you’re the one who fucked that slut Shelia.

BRIAN Oh, shit. You know about that?

MINISTER I think we are getting a little off the track here. Brian, maybe in your vow, you want to say something positive. Perhaps about why you’re marrying Marilyn.

BRIAN Well, Marilyn, I’ve decided to marry you, despite your many, many flaws, because there are sometimes when you are not a total bitch. Plus you’re kind of hot and your family has money.

MINISTER All right. Let’s just skip to the end. Brian, you do take Marilyn as your wife?

BRIAN I guess.

MINISTER And Marilyn, you take Brian?

MARILYN (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Yeah.

MINISTER If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

ALL THE WEDDING GUESTS RAISE THEIR HANDS. THEN THE MINISTER RAISES HIS.

The Most Masturbatory Post Ever (And That's Saying Something)

2005-10-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

This probably isn't interesting to anyone who is not involved in Saturday Night Rewritten, but here goes ....

So, Dan McCoy, of Weekend Update Update fame, wrote an interesting cry from the heart about the whole Saturday Night Live vs. SNR thing, which the Post played up in this week's article. First off, I think the post (as opposed to the Post) is worth reading for anyone who has questions about our show. We often hear, "Do you have to watch SNL to get your show?" (in fact that question is down below). And the connection is really not that strong. For instance, they might do a dating sketch, so we'll do a dating sketch. But God knows, it's not the most far-out thing in the world to do a dating sketch. The show is more of a tribute, as well as a desperate plea for attention (which so far has been working.) Dan covers that all very well.

Anyway, I agree that the Post was a little harsh on SNL; I am not crazy about a lot of it, but there is considerable talent there and I am sure it will once again have its day. And, I think it would be better all around if the Post spent more time talking about us and less time railing all over them. But, hey, I'm a journalist myself, and I know they are not paid to be my press agent.

If anyone else has read this far, let me know what you think.

UPDATE: Hello, Apiary/IRC readers. To be honest, I hadn't expected this post to be as seen by as many people as it has been. Otherwise, I would have made it more coherent. I don't want to revisit the whole SNR vs. SNL thing, but suffice it to say that none of us meant any harm and we really don't mean any offense to the show.

Anyway, as long as you're here, this being a self-promotional blog, I might as well self-promote. You can check out my McSweeneys piece here and a piece I wrote for comedycentral.com here (and this one, produced by the American Comedy Network, is an audio file.) My Jest stuff, however, seems to have disappered into the Internet ether. Saturday Night Rewritten sketches I like can be found here and here....

Rewritten By the Post

2005-10-20T04:27:00.000-07:00

My new favorite newspaper, the New York Post, wrote a nice little story about Saturday Night Rewritten today. All hail the Post!

For those wanting to know more about the Dylan sketch the Post liked, it is helpfully reproduced below. The main story also has some quotes from SNR's own Erik Marcisak.

PS I made Newsday today too.

From SNR: Rob Smashes His Idols (Bob Dylan Edition)

2005-10-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

From last week's Saturday Night Rewritten ... Is this funny to people who are not that into Dylan? It worked on stage, but on paper? Let me know ...

ANNCR Last week, public television aired Martin Scorcese’s landmark documentary on Bob Dylan, “No Direction Home.” Now, Saturday Night Rewritten presents for the first time, deleted scenes from that film that will appear on the upcoming DVD.

(DYLAN SONG: LIKE A ROLLING STONE)

DYLAN (SITTING DOWN) Yeah, for a while, I kind of hung around the whole Greenwich Village scene, got involved with the whole underground comedy movement. I visited Lenny Bruce in the hospital, man, but he wouldn’t see me, so I visited Woody Guthrie in the hospital, and you know, the rest was history.

ANNCR We now bring you rare footage of Bob Dylan doing stand-up.

DYLAN Hey, man, so you know, I was hearing this story. There must be some way out of here, said this shaman to this elf. Because everything is so weird, man, but the enemy is ourselves.

(CHUCKLES, WAITS FOR PEOPLE TO LAUGH, NO ONE DOES.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER Asshole! Get off the stage!

DYLAN Yo man! I don’t believe you! You’re a liar.

Anyway, you know what I hate? Airline food.

ANNCR Dylan’s stand-up career was short-lived, but it got him a job as a weatherman on a local Minnesota TV newscast.

DYLAN All right. Everyone look over here on the big weathermap. This is the story of a hurricane. Blowing from the East, with a strong and mighty wind. Blowing down through St. Paul, until the trees snap back again.

NEWSREADER Um, Bob, I don’t really know what that means.

DYLAN Hey, man. It doesn’t matter what it means. Do you ask the Beatles what their stuff means, man?

NEWSREADER But your report was six minutes and included a violin solo.

DYLAN OK here's the travel advisory.

On Tuesday (TO THE TUNE OF “HARD RAIN”) it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard rain gonna fall, (OUT OF TUNE) followed by scattered precipitation through the end of the week.

ANNCR When the news station decided he wasn’t working out as a newscaster, it made him a host of his own game show.

DYLAN AND TWO CONTESTANTS APPEAR ON STAGE.

DYLAN OK, contestants, answer this. We asked the panel, tell us what you think was their number one answer. Name someone you see every day.

A. Einstein disguised as Robin Hood. B. Napoleon in rags. C. A guilt-ridden grasshopper.

CONTESTANTS LOOK CONFUSED.

CONTESTANT 1 I’m going to say the Napolean guy. Is that right?

DYLAN Man, don’t look at me to tell you what’s right. I can’t tell you what’s right. Don’t put that on me, man. I’m not what you want me to be.

CONTESANT 1 So, do I win the money?

DYLAN Man, I’m not all about money. Is that what you think this is about? (BEAT) But the answer is, no, I’m keeping the money.

ANNCR Dylan eventually decided to concentrate his career on folk music, beginning a music career that has lasted decades. We now bring you a previously unseen outtake of his famed confrontation with hecklers when he went electric at the Newport Folk Festival.

AUDIENCE MEMBER Judas! Turncoat!

DYLAN Hey, man. Don’t interrupt me when I’m working. Do I go to where you’re working and tell you how to cook the fries?

ANNCR That’s all on the new DVD of “No Direction Home.”

OUTRO: LIKE A ROLLING STONE.

Horny Weatherman

2005-10-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

This was written two week ago for the Weekend Update Update section of SNR, designed to take advantage of a certain actor's -- shall we say -- persona. I am including it because I want to attract anyone searching google for "Horny Weathermen." As usual with skits I am borderline-embarassed by, it got big laughs:

ROB The dual punches of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita has cast a new light on our nation’s weather infastructure and reminded us just how vulnerable we are to the elements. Here with a commentary is the Saturday Night Rewritten Weekend Update Update weatherman, Rick Murphy.

RICK Rob, as you said, weather is in the news, and so are weatherman. If I can make an analogy: We all remember after Sept. 11, the nation came together. And I was particularly by moved how, for a good six months afterwards, it was so easy for firemen to get laid. I mean, all you had to say that you were a fireman, instant action. You could even lie. Which is what happened to, you know, some guys I knew.

And now America has gone through a similar crisis with Hurricane Katrina. Which I why I am hereby calling for a similar campaign of national unity for women to give it up for weathermen. I mean, you saw me standing outside in that hurricane, wearing that cool slicker. It was rough out there. I nearly caught a cold. But face it, I looked pretty awesome. It was me against the elements. I fucking ruled.

So all in all right now I think the forecast calls for some brighter days and hot nights ahead for this weatherman. Let’s look at what we see for the five days ahead:

Tuesday, I’m hoping for a blonde, something around the range of a nine or a ten. That should start early in the evening and carry on to about 11 or 12.

Wednesday should be a beautiful day. The forecast calls for some chilly Asian twins early in the evening, and then by midnight be on the look out for a nice sultry redhead, maybe with a tattoo in the lower regions, hopefully around the equator.

Thursday, we’re expecting, let’s just call her Hurricane Shirley. She should coming up from Williamsburg early in the afternoon, and then blowing fiercely …

ROB All right. This is absolutely appalling. You are taking something that’s serious, like this Hurricane, and exploiting it to have sex with single women.

MURPHY Rob, that is just not true. I’m also interested in lonely housewives and maybe some of those MILFs.

ROB That is not the point. You are exploiting a serious situation.

MURPHY What are you jealous, bald man?

ROB First of all, I’m not bald. I’m balding …

MURPHY I don’t know about that. I see a patch of skin coming up from your forehead, and that is advancing slowly up your head until it meets with the bald spot in the center of your skull…

ROB All right. Please leave. Rick Murphy, ladies and gentlemen …

King of Long Island

2005-10-06T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, folks, I made Newsday again. Made it last week too ...

This Is One of My Favorite Sketches I've Written ....

2005-09-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

... so you better like it, damn it!

It was for last week's Saturday Night Rewritten. It has it all -- political humor, toilet humor, and plenty of toilet political humor -- a new genre I just invented. I wrote it with Stuart Draper, based on an idea by Laura Buchholz. And now, in the unedited "Director's Cut" version, I bring you, "Bush and Toilet" ...

ANNCR And now for another episode of Everybody Hates George, featuring America’s favorite family the Bushes.
SITCOMMY THEME MUSIC.)

(LAURA is peeing on the toilet. She goes to flush. It starts to overflow.)
LAURA Honey, the toilet’s overflowing.
(SHE JIGGLES THE HANDLE)
LAURA Oh, Gosh darn it. Honey, you have to do something. The toilet’s making a big mess. It’s flooding everywhere.
GEORGE Laura, I’m on vacation.
SFX LAUGH TRACK
GEORGE You know being President’s a busy job. I need balance in my life.
LAURA But George, it’s overflowing right now!
GEORGE OK. I’ll make this sacrifice. I’ll cut my vacation a few minutes short.
SFX LAUGH TRACK.
(GEORGE RUSHES INTO THE BATHROOM)
GEORGE Hey, Laura! Look at this. The toilet is flooding.
SFX LAUGH TRACK.
LAURA That’s what I’ve been telling you!
GEORGE Well, don’t you worry Laura. We can rebuild this toilet. Make it bigger and stronger. I cannot imagine our house without this toilet. I remember I had a lot of good times on the toilet. Reading comic books and stuff like that.
LAURA George, speeches are great, but the water is rising. Don’t you think you should call someone?
GEORGE You’re right, I’m believe in problem solving. I’m a problem solving person. Let me call Brownie at FEMA. (GETS ON PHONE) Brownie, we got a situation over here in the bathroom. It’s like there’s a flood or something. Come over here, okay. (HANGS UP)
LAURA George, all our stuff is getting ruined. It’s all over the carpet!
GEORGE Laura, you’re right. This is a major crisis. And to the extent that I’ve done anything wrong, I take full responsibility.
SFX LAUGH TRACK
LAURA George, please, stop talking and get someone over here!
GEORGE Okay, let me call Cheney! (CALLS) Yeah, Big Dick Man. Need you over here. Having a toilet crisis. Oh, what you’re in surgery again? I forget, it’s a Tuesday.
SFX: LAUGH TRACK
GEORGE He can’t make it, but he’s sending his favorite plumber, Hal E. Burton. (HANGS UP)
SFX: LAUGH TRACK
LAURA Well, he better come quick, I’m ankle deep in this stuff.
GEORGE Let me call that Brownie again. He’s at FEMA (CALLS) Yeah, Brownie, do you get my last message? I want you to come over here right now. Stop crying, Brownie, it’s okay. You can do it. I know you got to fill out some forms and stuff, but come on over. OK Great. Thanks. (HANGS UP)
LAURA George, this is at my waist now!
GEORGE I know Laura. It’s terrible. You’re the first lady. You shouldn’t be in number two.
SFX: LAUGH TRACK
(PLUMBER ENTERS, WE SEE HIM WADING THROUGH THE WATER)
PLUMBER Hey someone call for a plumber?
GEORGE Yeah, Mr. Burton, we’re having a major toilet problem here.
PLUMBER Whoa. This is one real mess you got here. Fixing this is going to cost you at least $200 billion.
LAURA That seems like a lot of money.
GEORGE It’s okay, Laura. We’re compassionate people. We’ll do what it takes.
PLUMBER I’ll be honest, there is nothing I can do now. I gotta get back and get my tools, do some paperwork. But I’ll see you guys in a couple of days!
LAURA No, no., don’t --
(PLUMBER EXITS)
LAURA George, the plumber just left and we’re stuck here. The water’s up to our elbows.
GEORGE Let me call Brownie at FEMA again. (GETS ON PHONE) Yeah, Brownie. I need you here immediately. Yeah, immediately means now. Come on, get over. No, no, I’m not mad at you. I’m very loyal. But get over here. (HANGS UP)
LAURA Why does he keep saying he’s coming and he never comes?
GEORGE Let's not play the blame game.
SFX LAUGH TRACK
SFX DOOR KNOCK
LAURA That must be Michael Brown! Oh thank God, he’s going to save us!
(BROWN COMES IN, WADES THROUGH THE WATER)
BROWN Mr. President. I am on the case!
GEORGE Brownie,!
LAURA George, it’s up to our necks! We’re drowning!
BROWN Mr. President. I have examined this problem and come up with a solution. I quit. See ya!
LAURA But the water—what will we do?
BROWN Here. Breathe through these!
(TAKES OUT THREE STRAWS, LAURA AND BROWN PUT STRAWS IN THEIR MOUTH. GEORGE PUTS HIS STRAW IN HIS MOUTH WITH THE WRAPPER ON IT)
BROWN Mr. President, you should take the wrapper off.
SFX LAUGH TRACK.
GEORGE Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job!
SFX LAUGH TRACK
THEME MUSIC OUT.

More Info About the Fund-Raiser

2005-09-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before, the third season opening of Saturday Night Rewritten is a fund-raiser for hurricane relief. Let show impressario Erik Marcisak explain just what the deallio is ...

This Sunday's show marks the official beginning of Season 3. It will also be used as a benefit to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Tickets will be $10.00 and all proceeds will be given to the Harper Family to aide in the relief effort.

Many of you know our beloved friend Sabrina Harper. (ED NOTE: I met her a couple of times; she's very nice.) Sabrina has been a friend to many of us, SNR and Above Kleptomania since the beginning. She directed the show before Stacy and was important to so many of us. Last August, Sabrina moved from New York to Ann Arbor, MI to open a comedy theatre called Improv Inferno. Sabrina and her family are originally from New Orleans. While everyone in her family is safe in Houston, TX their home is most likely destroyed. Thankfully they have insurance but most were not so lucky.

So apparently the money will go directly towards a family impacted. What more could you want? So if you haven't done anything for the victims of Katrina, let's face it, you kind of suck (or you work for FEMA - ha ha), but now you can redeem yourself by coming to the show Sunday. Giving to charity should always be this much fun ...

Here are the details:

Saturday Night Rewritten
Sunday 8 PM
Juvie Hall
24 Bond Street (Between Bowery and Lafayette0

"Another Shmuck" With a Spam

2005-09-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I've gotten a few of what is commonly called "Comment Spam" ... People advertising work-at-home get rich schemes and land for sale ... You poor naive spammers -- thinking that people actually read this blog. Trust me. Almost no one does. Look at the counter below if you don't believe me. It doesn't rise very fast, does it? And the people who do -- they have no money. So even if they did click on your ads, they would have nothing for you to bilk them out of.

One related thought: the people who try to stop you on the street and try to get you to sign up for Greenpeace .... aren't they human spam?

And one more thing: I really would like to hear from the guy who got to this site because he googled the word "threesome" (getting him here.) Welcome, my perverted friend. I hope the fact that I don't have any pictures of threesomes doesn't chase you away, and I want you to know this blog is open to all members of the pervert and letch community.

Saturday Night Rewritten is Back!

2005-09-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

First off, this didn't appear in the print edition (as there was more important news), but I was back in the Newsday's Punchlines column last week. It's not the world's greatest joke, but whatever ...

The exciting news is that, after a two week hiatus, which left the city's cultural fabric infinitely poorer, Saturday Night Rewritten is back, with our THIRD season premiere this Sunday (9/11) ...

Can we find something funny to say during one of the least-funny weeks in U.S history? And speaking of unfunny things, how about the fact that the premiere is on Sept. 11? Sounds like loads of laughs, huh?! It should be an interesting one. See us try and navigate the ever-delicate tightrope of taste this Sunday ...

Saturday Night Rewritten
Third Season Premiere!!
Sunday Sept. 11
8 PM

Juvie Hall
24 Bond Street
(Between Bowery and Lafayette)

UPDATE: I'm very pleased to note that all funds for the show will go to Hurricane Relief. This is a great gesture, and more news on this as it develops. (It also means the show will be $10 instead of the usual $7. But even you cheapskates can afford it.)

Back in Newsday

2005-08-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

After an absence that was brief but painful (both for me and for Long Island), I am back in New York Newsday today. If you were wondering why so many people on Long Island today were muttering, "Oh my Gawd, that's so funn-aye!" ... well, this is it.

"Another Shmuck" Goes International

2005-08-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

I spend far more time than I should* looking at the stats of people who visit here. And, as it turns out that, according to the browser-counter-thingie, two people who have looked at this blog are from Canada (although it could have been just one person.) Anyway, a big hearty hello to both my web surfing visitors (or visitor) from our great frozen neighbor from the North. I want you to know that I intend to use this blog as a force for good, and hope it will help improve relations between our two countries. Hey, love that SCTV. So, my international friends, welcome to my blog ... eh!!!

* - I use that phrase about a lot of things in my life.

Schoolhouse Iraq

2005-08-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

Here is something I wrote for the last Saturday Night Rewritten, called "Schoolhouse Iraq." (My other one was called the "80 Year Old Virgin," about the Pope. I am faintly embarassed about that one.)

But back to "Schoolhouse Iraq." I played the dad. This didn't come off as well I had hoped, in part because the singers didn't know the orginal "Schoolhouse Rock" songs as well as I had hoped. Unfortunately, they didn't have them as well implanted in their brain as I did. (By the way, isn't it amazing how you can still remember the tune and every lyric to songs you hadn't heard in, oh, thirty years? I learned the entire preamble to the Constitution, solely because of "Schoolhouse Rock." An entire generation did.)

Anyway, I like to think that when I write these things, I get some of my fustration about things off my chest, but, no, at work today, there I was again, bitching about Bush. In any case, as far as these things go, I look upon this with something resembling pride. Ladies and gentlemen, "Schoolhouse Iraq":

“Schoolhouse Iraq”

ANNCR And now, a special ABC educational presentation, “Schoolhouse Iraq.”

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS)
KID Daddy, what’s going on in Iraq?
DAD Well, son that’s a long story. You see in 2003, we invaded Iraq because we said the head of Iraq had weapons of mass destruction that could wipe out whole cities.
KID Wow, we’re lucky got those just in time, huh?DAD Not really, because, well, there weren't any weapons. Let these people explain …

CHORUS
(To the tune of “Three is a Magic Number”)
WMDS were a tragic blunder.
‘Cause the CIA is full of stupid bumblers
So WMDs were a tragic blunder.

KID So once we realized the whole reason for going to war was faulty, we had eggs on our faces right?
DAD No, actually, the President kept insisting what we did was right. And then he announced that the war was over, even though it wasn't. And then we decided we would re-build the country by getting everyone together to write a Constitution. Let’s listen:

IRAQI LEGISLATORS
(to the tune of the “Preamble”)
We the people
In order to please the Bush administration
Devalue women
And promote Islamic theocracy

Do ordain and establish
This constitution
That is kind of close to
Democracy

(THEY ALL START FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER)

KID And then what happens? They pass the Constitution and everyone lives by it, right?
DAD No, what happens is, none of the various sects agree, the deadline is missed, and the country plunges towards the brink of all-out civil war.
KID Is that what all the violence is about, Daddy?
DAD (LAUGHS) No, no. The violence is caused by Islamic militants, who have turned Iraq into a safe haven and terrorist breeding ground. Let this guy explain.

BOMB
(TO THE TUNE OF “I'm Only a Bill”)
Oh, I’m just a bomb
Yes, I’m only a bomb
And I was sent here by the local Imam

They puts me in a car and then they go and park it
Maybe on the road or the local supermarket
And one day I’m gonna be a blast --

KID So then does the bomb explode?
DAD No, because only a fractions of bombs actually become explosions. Sometimes they’re discovered and sometimes they just fail to explode.
KID And then what happens?
DAD Then they have to rebuild the bomb and start all over again.
KID Oh no!

BOMB Oh, I hope to cause massive harm
But today here I am (pronounced “om”)
Still a bomb

KID Gee, this seems like a real disaster. Maybe we should pull out.
DAD No, to leave Iraq would send a horrible signal to the world and let the country further descend into chaos. But to stay there will cause massive loss of life of our troops with no end in sight. It’s what’s called a quagmire.
KID So when will we stop occupying Iraq?
DAD Probably, not until well after you’ve graduated college and had children of your own. Then maybe they can spend a couple of years over there too! It’s all part of the Iraqi occupation!
CHORUS
(TO THE TUNE OF “Interjections”)
So if there’s Sunnis
SUNNI Yay!
CHORUS Or Kurds.
KURD Hey!
CHORUS Or al Qaeda
(BIN LADEN STICKS HIS HEAD OUT)
CHORUS Or worse.

Our occupation’s gonna set things right!

Occupation!
It’s when you’re stationed!
In a nation!

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, Yeah!

Some One-Liners

2005-08-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, so things are a little slow in posting these days ... There is no show this week, and my mind is on other stuff, but I appreciate those of you who come here, though I know there aren't many of you. There was one day (granted it was a nice Sunday) where I only got one visitor. Only one person on the whole damn Internet! And I know it wasn't me, because I was so disgusted at myself for not having posted anything new even I didn't want to look here.

Anyway, I've added some people to my links section, many of whom are far better at posting things on their sites than I am. Check 'em out.

And here are some one-liners, originally written for Newsday, SNR and a few other places... Nothing earth-shaking, but they'll do ..

William Renquist says he will stay on as Chief Justice at the Supreme Court as long as he is able. He adds that he expects it to be an interesting and challenging two and a half weeks.

Mayor Bloomberg has said he has no plans to run for governor, adding he already has the best job money can buy.

A doctor is suing radio host Don Imus for slanderous remarks that caused damage to his reputation. Apparently, Imus accused the doctor of being his dermatologist.

The Teamsters and several major other unions have left the AFL-CIO. Union leaders felt that, by working as separate entities, they can be twice as ineffectual.

While interviewing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, President Bush reportedly quizzed him on whether he exercises. Which is very common. When past presidents appointed their justices, they asked, “Hey Oliver Whendell Holmes, you bench-press?” “Thurgood Marshall, do a lot of reps?”

The Irish Republican Army has formally renounced all terrorism. Whew, they're lucky they don't have to worry about terrorism in Britian now, aren't they?

After renouncing terrorism, the IRA urged other groups to settle their conflicts non-violently. Later group leaders sang the old song, (SINGS) "All we are saying, is give peace after 70-plus years of violence a chance."

A new study says Ecstacy might prevent Alzheimer's in mice. It did have certain side effects, causing the animals to wear rave clothes and constantly hug each other.

In a recent report to Congress, Secratary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld gave an upbeat view of the Iraq war. In fact, he's so happy with how the war is going, he thinks it can last another ten years.

"The Essential Michael Jackson," a new collection of his hits, sold only 8,000 units in its first week. The problem is, it's the first CD with no profanity, no sex or adult content, that still has a parental warning sticker.

Courtney Love rushed to the hospital after having a fainting spell. Afterwards, Love insisted she was off drugs, but just wanted to have a blackout for old times sake.

Manhattan’s new 7-11 on 23rd Street is breaking records with its Slurpee sales. In fact, the only place more Slurpees are sold is on the West Side Highway.

A Seattle man died this week after engaging in anal sex with a horse. The death is particularly tragic because it took the man months to convince the horse to do anal.

John Roberts is Boring (SNR)

2005-07-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

Another SNR skit ... I played Roberts. The people on the show must find me boring as well.

ANNCR And now, CNN brings you live coverage of President Bush’s announcement of his pick for Supreme Court justice.

BUSH My fellow Americans. When the news broke that I had to choose a Supreme Court nominee, people expected me to choose a fiery conservative who would get everyone excited and upset.. But once again, I have fooled you. Instead, I’ve decide to choose a man who, I’m pretty confident, is boring as crap. Aren’t you, now?

ROBERTS JUST SMILES.

BUSH Take a look at this guy. He looks boring. He is white. Boring. A male. Boring. Religious family man. He’s boring, boring, just-talking-about-him-makes-me-want-to-take-a-nap-boring. Even his name is boring. Joe Roberts.

ROBERTS It’s John Roberts, sir.

BUSH Whatever. Joe, John. The point your name is pretty damn boring. In fact you’re so boring, it’s kind of cute.

(BUSH PINCHES HIS CHEEKS)

BUSH You’ll notice that, over the years, Judge Roberts hasn’t had much to say on the issues. And if he did have anything to say, you could be sure it pretty much be a snoozefest and no one would want to read it anyway. So now anyway, now Jack –

ROBERTS John.

BUSH Whatever. You get up there, and bore the hell out of us.

(ROBERTS STEPS TO PODIUM)

ROBERTS Mr. President, I just want to say what an honor –

(BUSH YAWNS LOUDLY)

ROBERTS -- this appointment has meant to me, as it gives me a chance to serve my country –

BUSH All right, Jim –

ROBERTS John.

BUSH Whatever. I’m going to have to ask you to stop, because I’m just about to take a nap.

(BUSH RETURNS TO PODUIM)

(TO ROBERTS) You just stand here, and do whatever I say.

So anyway, Americans, don’t you worry. Within a few years, all your rights are gonna be taken away, but we’ve got a guy who is gonna to do with a smile and big fat yawn. (LAUGHS)

Why pretty soon, if everything goes according to my evil scheme, it’ll even be illegal to say, “Live from New York, it’s Rewritten.”

How to Tell Terrorists on the Subway from Normal Crazy People

2005-07-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

This is from last week's Saturday Night Rewritten. Yes, I know this is kind of offensive, but also kind of funny (I hope.) It came off pretty well. I played the crazy person. Remember, no show this week. Comments welcome ...

SCENE: GUY ON SUBWAY, SURROUNDED BY TWO PEOPLE.

ANNCR This is your MTA reminding you to be on the look-out for potential terrorists. Look for people who are wearing inappropriate clothing –
GUY LOOKS AT THE GUY TO THE LEFT TO HIM, WHO IS WEARING TONS OF CLOTHING.
ANNCR Or someone who is mumbling to themselves –
GUYS LOOK AT THE GUY TO THE RIGHT OF HIM, WHO IS MUMBLING TO HIMSELF
ANNCR Or someone who is nervous and avoiding eye contact –
GUY Well, that could describe – just about everyone!
ANNCR If you see people who meet those descriptions, say something, because they could be terrorists who want to kill you. Thank you riding the MTA! Going your way!
GUY My God, now I’m suspicious of everybody! Should I turn them all in? (EXPERT WALKS ON)
EXPERT In these troubled times, we know it can be difficult distinguishing between who is a terrorist and who is a run-of-the-mill lunatic. That’s why we’ve developed this handy kit, “How to Tell Religious Crazies From Normal Crazies.” For instance, take the guy next to you …. Get a good whiff of him. Does he smell like gasoline or explosives?
(GUY SNIFFS HIM)
GUY Actually, he smells like week-old feces.
EXPERT I think that settles it. He’s just a wack-job.
CRAZY PERSON What?
EXPERT Oh, don’t worry about it, sir. You can go on being crazy.
CRAZY PERSON Okay. (RESUMES MUMBLING TO HIMSELF)
GUY But how about this guy?
EXPERT Again, look for clues. Notice he’s drooling a bit. Why don’t you get some of that drool in this test-tube and get a sample of his saliva?
GUY Okay.
(GUY PUTS HIS TEST TUBE UNDER THE SECOND GUY WHO IS DROOLING. SECOND PERSON DROOLS INTO THE TEST TUBE)
EXPERT Now do this sample chemical analysis. (GIVES HIM SOME EQUIPMENT) What do you notice in that saliva?
(GUY READS THE CHART)
GUY Well, there are high trace elements of falafel, hummus and chicken schwarma.
EXPERT I think that settles it. He’s a terrorist. Aren’t you sir?
SECOND PERSON All right. You got me. I hate America and want to kill the infidels. You know how it goes.
EXPERT Sure I do. Let me take that bomb off you.
SECOND PERSON Good. It’s killing my back.
EXPERT And hold it, sir. Aren’t you hiding something else?
SECOND PERSON Well I am. But it’s not an explosive. It’s my IPOD.
EXPERT You definitely want to hide that!
(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
EXPERT So send away for your free guide today. And sign up in the next few minutes, and we’ll also send you this free booklet, “How to Distinguish Your Justified Paranoia about Terrorism from Your Regular Old Fucked Up Neurosis.”

SNR Threesome

2005-07-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Here is my latest Saturday Night Rewritten sketch. It shows my views on a very pressing and important social topic. Author commentary (a.k.a extended whining) to follow:

THREESOME COUNSELING

DOCTOR COMES IN, SEES MAN AND TWO WOMEN

DOCTOR Hello, I’m Doctor Drimmer, I’m the relationship counselor. Now, tell me who the couple is, and what the problem is …

WOMAN 1 The problem is …

WOMAN 2 It’s just that ….

MAN Doctor. All the excitement has gone out of our threesome.

DOCTOR Hold it, you mean you’re a … you three are a … Wow!…

MAN Yeah, yeah. I usually get that reaction.

DOCTOR So that’s awesome! (SMACKS GUY ON THE BACK) Good for you there, buddy! What could possibly wrong?

MAN Well, after all these years, it’s become the same. Oh you know, first, it’s some hot girl-on-girl action, then they each take turns pleasuring me, and then I have sex with both of them. Just the same-old, same-old.

DOCTOR What are you crazy! I mean, come on. Dude! Come on!

MAN You don’t understand, doctor. There’s no fun anymore. I’ve already bragged about it to everyone I know. Even my friends got sick of hearing me talk about how great it was. So for a while, I took to bragging about it to perfect strangers. I’d go to different bus stops, I’d tell people at the mall. I’d just stop people on the street, tell ‘em, hey I just had a threesome. Yeah sure, they’d look at me with incredible burning envy, beg me to tell them my secret, tell me I’m the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in the world …

DOCTOR You ARE the luckiest son of a bitch in the world!

MAN Yeah, I know. But it gets old.

DOCTOR (TO GIRLS) How about you girls? Do you feel the same way? Do you still feel you want to remain part of a … um .. .triple?

WOMAN 1 I don’t know doctor. He is no longer that romantic to us.

WOMAN 2 Now, he seems far more interested in other pairs of girls.

MAN That’s not true. I’ve said a million times you’re the only girls I want to have threesomes with!

DOCTOR I’m sensing that you still care about them.

MAN Of course I do.

DOCTOR Well, tell them!

MAN
(KNEELS BEFORE THEM, TAKES EACH OF THEIR HANDS)
Ginger, Sapphire. All my life I’ve been looking for two girls like you. I love the way the sun reflects against your brown (LOOKS AT ONE) and blonde hair (THEN THE OTHER), the soft feel of your mouths, the way the light dances in all four of your eyes.

WOMAN 1 Do you really feel that way about me ….

WOMAN 2 … and me?

MAN Of course I do!

(THEY ALL HUG)

DOCTOR Well, time is up for this session. Make an appointment with my secretary for next week. And if you don’t mind, sir, I’d like to talk to you for a second.

(THE WOMEN LEAVES, THE MAN STAYS)

DOCTOR So, come on. Tell me. How’d you do it? What’s your secret?

MAN I don’t want to …

DOCTOR Please, come on. Tell me.

++++

Author's Non-DVD Commentary: OK, I actually liked this better than some of my other sketches, but it didn't seem to go as well. Again, this is the SNR version, written in a caffeine-and-sandwich-wrap-fueled rush; looking back, I can see some definite areas for improvement. I could have introduced the concept more strongly, and the ending kind of bites (endings being a perpetual problem in these kind of sketches).

Newsday Twosome

2005-07-21T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I got another double-header in Newsday today, for the fourth week in a row, as part of my ongoing effort to keep Long Island entertained. Check it out.

New SNR Review

2005-07-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

There is a new Saturday Night Rewritten review here. The big problem I have with it this review -- and there have been a few along these lines -- is the reviewer constantly compares our show to Saturday Night Live. One sketch, he says, is too edgy for SNL. Another might work. The others are not edgy enough. It might be a fun parlor game to play, but I don't know if it lets people know if they'll enjoy the show, which after all is the purpose of a review. Maybe it's not far to complain about this, because we ask for it -- big time -- but I like to think our show can be judged on its own merits. In other ways, the review is interesting and thoughtful. Let me know what you think.

More SNR Skits: Wyoming Terror Squad

2005-07-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

And now, from last week's Saturday Night Rewritten, here in all its provincial New Yorkers-think-they-are-the-center-of-the-world glory, "Wyoming Terror Squad":

Wyoming Terror Squad

ANNCR A recent report said that Wyoming receives the highest amount of terrorist dollars per person, more than any other state, and significantly higher than New York. So in our efforts to show you your tax dollars at work, we bring you the story of the brave men and women of the Wyoming Terror Squad.

(EXCITING MUSIC)[IN THE SHOW IT WAS "BAD BOYS," THE THEME FROM "COPS']

FRANK IS UP WITH HIS FEET ON THE DESK. HE IS READING A MAGAZINE.

ANNCR It was a normal day at the terror desk in Laramie Wyoming, when the chief came in.
JOHN Hey, John. Any terrorist threats yet?
FRANK Nah. But I’m staying vigilant. (SPITS SOMETHING IN THE SPITTOON)
FRANK Have you followed up with the chief’s directive to get a better handle on mass transit?
JOHN Well, I’ve put some men on the Widow Johnson’s carpool. That’s the largest carpool in the country. She sometimes fits eight people in there.
FRANK You mean --
JOHN Yes. She has a minivan.
FRANK Good God. They’re sitting ducks.
JOHN I informed her if she adds anyone suspicious, let us know. She said that she hadn’t added any new people in the last 30 years, so she wasn’t worried. I let her know that’s just how the terrorists want us to be -- complacent.
JOHN Good work. (HEARS SOMETHING ON RADIO) Hold it. I’m getting something on my radio. There is a suspicious character in the center of town. He may be a Muslim.
FRANK This could be it. The terrorists have finally come. I’ll get the bomb sniffing dogs. You get the police helicopter.
JOHN Good work! I’m going to raise our town’s terror alert level from “unlikely” to “remotely possible.” The Wisconsin Terror Squad is on the march!

THEME MUSIC

ANNCR On the next episode of Wisconsin Terror Squad.

FRANK, JOHN AND A WHOLE LOT OF POLICE ACCOST A MAN.

FRANK Hello, sir, who we are not racially profiling. We need to see three types of identification, evidence of local residency, and proof that you don’t hate freedom.

ANNCR That’s on the next episode of Wyoming Terror Squad!

++++

WRITER'S COMMENTARY TRACK (for the future DVD): Okay, this was a funny idea, it came off pretty well, and there was a valid point behind it, but I have somewhat mixed feelings about this one. With SNR, you have to write things pretty quickly, and I know see there are about 100 ways I think I could have improved this skit, but I feel to stay true to the spirit of the thing, I'd just put this version up there. As for the performance, just to increase the stereotypes, the actors played it with "Andy Griffith" style accents.

Update: HOT DEAL! Special Sunday SNR Offer

2005-07-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

Just off the presses: The July 17 Saturday Night Rewritten is offering a special buy one-get one free deal ... that's right, buy one ticket and you can bring a friend with you for FREE. How do you like that, you cheap bastards! And let's be honest, it doesn't have to really be a friend. It can be someone you don't even like.

Then afterwards take advantage of the two-for-one special at bar Slainte. That's right, you can get both smashed and entertained for a bargain price.

Ths is a BLAZING HOT deal, as they say on the deal websites I frequent, also being a cheap bastard.

One note: You must buy the ticket at Smart Tix. But you can handle that.

DETAILS:

July 17th
Saturday Night Rewritten
Sunday 8 PM
Juvie Hall
24 Bond St. (between Bowery and Lafayette)

SNR Rules Newsday

2005-07-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

It's a nearly all Saturday Night Rewritten edition of "Punchlines" in Newsday today. I get my third twofer in a row -- yeah, baby! -- and my Weekend Update Update-co-anchor Dan McCoy gets one too. Good job, sir. Oh, and some dude named Leno is in there too.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted ....

2005-07-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well, if you've been dying to see a Saturday Night Rewritten -- or even better, see one AGAIN -- make sure you do it either this Sunday, or next, because the show is going to have a much deserved vacation!

All right, we're only taking a couple of weeks off. We are not exactly France here.

Here is the upcoming SNR schedule:

JULY 17th SHOW
JULY 24th SHOW
JULY 31st NO SHOW
AUGUST 7th NO SHOW
AUGUST 14th SHOW
AUGUST 21st SHOW
AUGUST 28th NO SHOW
SEPT 4 NO SHOW

And then Sept. 11, we are back in business. And what a chipper day to kick things off, too!

Seriously, I think this will give us all a chance to re-charge. I truly love doing the show but we've doing this virtually non-stop since September, so a little break is in order. I remember last year, the first few shows in September had a great energy and I'm hoping that next year's will too.

So, come this Sunday or next -- or you won't have another chance for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I'll be there doing Weekend Update with Dan McCoy. The "host" will be Karl Rove. (BOO! HISS!), ensuring a lot of bitter liberal polical jabs. And a lot of other fun stuff too.

Here are the details:

Saturday Night Rewritten
Sunday 8 PM
Juvie Hall
24 Bond St. (between Bowery and Lafayette)

And afterwards, the standard 2-for-1 drink special at Slainte....

From the SNR Best of ... Sam I Wuz

2005-07-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Here is my "Uncle Sam" sketch that opened the show. It involved me standing in a ridiculous looking hat and the closest thing we could find to red, white and blue clothing.

"THE ARMY"

ANNCR
And now ladies and gentlemen, Uncle Sam.

SAM
My fellow Americans. For many years, you've seen me point at you and say, "I Want You" to join the army. And for many years you did. Until recently. Now you may have heard that enlistment is down a slight bit -- oh -- forty percent. It's almost as if you're giving your old Uncle Sam the finger back.

That's why we've decided to radically revamp our marketing message. Now many of you didn't go for this slogan: The Army: Sign Up for One Tour of Duty, Get a Few Others Free.

ON SCREEN: THE ARMY: SIGN UP FOR ONE TOUR OF DUTY, GET A FEW OTHERS FREE.

So we thought about the whole Abu Ghraib situation. Yes, some bad things happened, but people had a good time, and, hey, everyone got laid. So we came up with this slogan: The Army: Like a Big Frat Party with Guns.

ON SCREEN: THE ARMY: LIKE A BIG FRAT PARTY WITH GUNS.

That didn't work either, so we've come up with our final slogan:

ON SCREEN: THE ARMY: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JOIN THE FUCKING ARMY.

We've also decided to emulate our friends at PBS. So join within the next half hour and you'll get this umbrella, this tote bag, and this Ken Burns "Civil War DVD." (IN PBS VOICE) Everyone who saw this knows what a wonderful series it was. Ken Burns doesn't just make documentaries, he tells the story of America. And this DVD comes with director's commentary and deleted scenes, and it's something you'll want to share with your family, or at least next of kin.

(BACK TO SAM VOICE) All we are asking is for a commitment of four years, given or take five or ten. And you'll know you'll be fighting for freedom and democracy, or at least something reasonably close.

++++

The sketch ends with me harassing audience members to join the army, until I get one to say "Live from New York, It's Rewritten." I thought this would be a clever way of having audience participation. And, oh yeah, I didn't have it to write an ending.

From the Best of ....

2005-07-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

All right, this isn't exactly an original idea, but I've decided to start posting some of my Saturday Night Rewritten skits here ... Here is one that was on Friday's Best of .... Notice my clever repetition of the word "what." I think I'll make it a motif in my work. Anyway, more to come.

SCENE: In an office.

Two desks are next to each other.
Woman has a jar of Twizzlers.

SUE Hey, how are you today?
MAN 1 Well, it’s 3PM. Everyday at time I feel like shooting myself and everyone in the office. But these Twizzlers make me feel better. (BEAT) Somewhat.
SUE Well, glad to hear it.
(MAN 1 WALKS OFF)

JEANNE Hi, my name is Jeanne. I’m taking the desk next to yours.
SUE Well, welcome to the office, Jeanne. It’s lovely to meet you.
(JEANNE STARTS TO UNPACK HER DESK. SHE PUTS CANDY ON HER DESK.)
SUE Oh, you have candy.
JEANNE Yes, I like to give candy out.
SUE OK I mean I’m usually the person in the office who gives out candy. But that’s fine. The more the merrier.

MAN 2 APPROACHES

MAN 2 Hey, how are you doing? (TAKES CANDY)
SUE Good. How are you?
MAN 2 Fine. I mean, I’d be better if it were Friday.
SUE I know the feeling.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH)

MAN 2 (NOTICES THE OTHER DESK) Hey, are those Reeses Fast BreakS?
JEANNE Yes, you want one?
MAN 2 Sure! They have all the chocolate and peanut butter of a Reese, but with an extra layer of nougat!

JEANNE By the way, I’m Jeanne. How are you today?
MAN 2 Fine. I mean, I’d be better if it were Friday.
JEANNE Me, too.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH. MAN 2 WALKS AWAY)

SUE You bitch.
JEANNE What?

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS)
SUE You think you can come around here, wave around a few Reeses Fast Breaks, and ruin what I’ve taken all these years to build? Well, I got news for you, missy. I have not yet begun to fight!

BLACKOUT

THE TWO MEN APPROACH JEANNE’S DESK.

JEANNE How are you, today?
MAN 1 Well, it’s 3 PM. Every day at time I feel like shooting myself and everyone in the office. But these Reeses Fast Breaks help curb my visions of mass murder. (BEAT) Somewhat.

(MAN TWO WALKS ON)
JEANNE And how are you, today?
MAN 2 Well, I’d be better I won the lotto.
JEANNE Me, too.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH)

SUE Store-bought candy is okay, but there’s nothing like fresh baked goods.
MAN 1 What do you mean?
SUE Well, I just spent most of last night, my morning and lunch hour baking these brownies. Here, they are, fresh out of the oven.
MAN 1 All right!

JEANNE How about my award-winning chocolate decadence?
MAN 2 What?
JEANNE I just so happen to have a couple of pieces in my bottom drawer. It’s a velvety chocolate mousse, lightened with banana puree, and topped with pecans, edible gold leaf, and a bittersweet orange glaze.
MAN 2 Wow! That must be good! I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

(THE MEN GOES TO JEANNE’S DESK, EAT HER CAKE)

JEANNE (TO SUE) Foiled again, loser!

BLACKOUT

MAN 1 AND MAN 2 ARE AT SUE’S DESK.

MAN 2 Wow, thanks for the caviar, champagne and cocaine, Sue!
MAN 1 Yeah, thanks! Even though it’s 3:00, I feel less and less like shooting people.

JEANNE Hey guys, would you like to take a Caribbean vacation?
SUE What?
JEANNE Me and my husband were planning on going on one, but you guys take the tickets!

THE TWO MEN LOOK AT SUE EXPECTANTLY

SUE How about you take my car?
MAN 2 What?
SUE Here are my keys. (GIVES THEM TO MAN 2, TURNSTO MAN 1) And you can have my credit card. It has a $10,00 credit limit.
MAN 1 Wow. $10,000 can buy a lot of ammo and guns!

JEANNE How about hand-jobs?
MAN 2 What?
JEANNE Yeah, you know how about I give both of you guys hand-jobs?
MAN 2 Really? Well sure.
JEANNE Come on with me …
MAN 1 I don’t feel like shooting anyone now!
(MAN 1 AND JEANNE LEAVE)

MAN 2 Hey, everyone, Jeanne in accounting has a jar full of … um … handjobs …

BLACKOUT

BOSS 1 Yeah, we had to fire two women in the accounting department. It turns out they had this weird competition and one of woman was giving guys handjobs.
BOSS 2 That is so weird.
BOSS 1 By the way, what time is it?
BOSS 2 (CHECKS WATCHES) Oh, about 3:00!

SFX: SHOTS RING OUT

Slow Newsday

2005-07-07T05:35:00.000-07:00

So, Newsday once again has given me a twofer in, as they say in Long Island, Punchloynes. I had another one last week too. Don't you love how it says "comedy writer," makes me look all official!!! We love you, Newsday!!!

I Had An Idea Before MTV; Is This Something to Brag About? You Decide!

2005-07-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

So about a year ago, I sold a skit to the American Comedy Network called "70s House," which you can download and listen to here. Now it turns out MTV is doing an actual show. Great media-addled minds think alike, I guess ...

The Best of Saturday Night Rewritten, Season Two, THIS Friday!!

2005-07-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

.

That's right! It's the Best of Saturday Night Rewritten Season Two! And it's on a Friday! Thrill again to such hilarious sketches as Teen Wolfowitz, the out-of-work CBS-FM deejays, the Weird Al Yankovic molestation trial, the guy who can't get rid of his narrator, and so much more!

So all of you who say you can't make the Sunday show, now is your chance to either come or find another excuse! This will give us a chance to do unheard-of things (for us) like spending more than 20 minutes on a sketch and having more than one rehearsal. The actors may even learn their lines! (Don't count on that last one.)

Why should you come? Well, a lot of these sketches absolutely killed the first time (and if they don't this time, we'll feel like pretty big jackasses.) Plus there is a musical guest, and me doing Weekend Update with the famed Dan McCoy. And of course, after the show you can head to our favorite watering hole Slainte, enjoy the two-to-one drink special on domestic drafts, hang out with the cast, and hear us engage in endless self-congratulation (if the show's good) or bitch, whine and hate ourselves (if it's not.)

Here are the details:

The Best of Saturday Night Rewritten
8PM
Friday July 8
$10
Juvie Hall
24 Bond Street (between Bowery and Lafayette)

Order tickets here.

And for you purists .... we also have our regular $7 Sunday show next week. Our all-new third season kick-off will be Sunday, July 10, with musical guest Joe Guercio (aka Billy Diamond.)

Hope to see you ... well, somewhere!

UPDATE: (7/7) Okay, the CBS-FM deejays will NOT be in the show Friday. And Joe Guercio will not play Sunday. I'm sure that really doesn't matter to most of you -- and it doesn't excuse you from seeing the shows regardless. But I just offer it in the name of accuracy. And, okay, 'cause I'm kind of bored playing around on my computer.

Jest in Peace

2005-07-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

I just heard word that Jest magazine is going to that big newsstand in the sky, although it will be reinvented as a web site. Hey, it could work. In any case, given the generally dismal track-record of humor magazines, it's remarkable it lasted this long.

Even so, it's a shame. Jest published several of my pieces (which are helpfully linked at the sidebar on the right), they were always fair to me, and it was fun hanging out in their offices. A lot of their material was a little dark for my not particularly refined sensibilities, but they did publish some good stuff; I was always fond of this al Qaeda sleeper cell piece by my friend Todd Jackson Anyway, Jest, so long, and hopefully, this is not a total goodbye ...

Welcome to My Blog

2005-07-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

All right, this is the first post for those of you who want to follow my activities. I plan to put some original humor stuff as well as plug myself incessantantly. So enjoy, all five of you reading this! And know that, just by stopping by, you're a winner already.